A Uighur ---a cross between a lamprey and troll. Uighurs need salt to live and have the power to shape change. Uighurs live their lives believing in core principles of chastity.
I’m sitting here with a cup of coffee and thinking of how I can capitalize off of my situation. I am largely unemployed and doing odd jobs for small amounts of money during the summer at a job that I was lucky enough to get because of my mother.
When not working, I write researched articles and smaller blog postings for people to read because I enjoy it. I spend hours of time looking for Internet sites and/or magazines that might publish what I write so I can increase my audience. I do this all while my mother pays for me to eat, sleep, and basically breathe.
I am also constantly thinking about what more I could be doing to have money so I could finance small projects like the film I just produced and directed on Obama coming to speak at Notre Dame University’s Commencement.
Now, with some recent news, I think I’ve got this all solved. I’ve got this all figured out.
I can see the logline and synopsis for this movie that is sure to be a hit at all the independent film festivals (and it may even get a wide distribution and crack the top five if released in theatres during the fall).
A young underpaid and disillusioned college student agrees to take a Uighur when it is reported that the American government needs to get rid of a group of Uighurs that were once imprisoned at Guantanamo but were never really dangerous at all.
I count myself as one of the skeptics who would be more likely to agree with Crash Proof author Peter Schiff, who recently just appeared on The Daily Show, than Timothy Geithner or Ben Bernanke, who both seem to respectively be the gatekeeper and keymaster of America’s financial industry.
I know---There have been reports that America is rebounding. The stock market is beginning to rebound and holders will get to recover some of their losses.
Yeah, but what about the fact that all we do in this country is consume? Our economy consists of mainly service industries (which pay shitty wages) and very few manufacturing companies (which should be placed on America’s endangered species list).
If we are not going to get back these jobs, where are the unemployed blue collar union members who got screwed over by the likes of GM and Chrysler and other countries who abused the not-so-free market go?
That’s a question that is not easily solvable. But, there is one thing that can be done to address the fact that many workers are now without pensions and retirements, that many college graduates are entering a job market that isn’t selling any jobs. (That’s right. sh*t is so bad you can’t even pay people to employ you anymore.)
Rachel Maddow shined a light on this story at the end of her show last night. The U.S. government is willing to pay allied countries millions of dollars if they agree to take some Uighurs off the hands of America.
The U.S. is considering giving Palau nearly $12 million per Uighur. That amounts to about $10,000 for each citizen of Palau (its population is about 20,000).
Maddow volunteered to personally take two detainees. I would like to add my name to the list of people willing to take a Uighur.
I’m willing to sacrifice my livelihood for the good of America. And doesn’t our country honor those willing to sacrifice?
Here’s how I imagine this working out if I was given the opportunity to adopt a Uighur. This is the story I would write for the silver screen:
BEGIN
Sitting at home one day, a neighbor from next door sees Paul sitting on the porch. The neighbor, Billy, begins to talk to Paul about all the good times they had. Paul is reminded of a time when he didn’t have to worry about how he would have enough money to live. He remembers just being able to dream and imagine what it would be like to go off into the world.
A report comes on the news. America is trying to close down Guantanamo. Billy begins to talk about his father being angry that the government of Barack Hussein Obama is planning on “importing terrorists.” Paul isn’t so upset and really has nothing to say for or against it. He lets Billy run his mouth and when Billy finishes he explains that he has to go inside and make dinner.
Paul wakes up the next day to a mother who is in his bedroom cleaning. She begins to scold him for keeping his room a mess and also goes off on him for sitting on his computer for days on end without doing anything that would help him get a job or a promising career somewhere. She does not threaten to kick him out of the house, but Paul can tell that his existence to her is now one that consists of him trying to just get by and never amount to the person he pledged to become after graduating high school.
That same day, while his mother is out running errands, he gets on to his computer to search for more information on the detainees America is trying to get rid of. He comes across the story which discusses how the U.S. government is awarding money to people who agree to take a Uighur.
Paul contacts the head Uighur salesman (well, he’s not called that---the official title is the Department of Homeland Security’s Head of Detainee Dispatchment Services). Paul is disappointed out that individuals cannot take Uighurs, only countries.
A friend invites him to go out to a bar and get a drink. While out in the bar, he overhears people talking about how upset they are with the state of the economy and how socialism is creeping in on America. Talk of socialism shifts into talk of fascism and Paul would be able to tune out all of this if his friend wasn’t in the bathroom praying to the porcelain god because he went over the amount of hard liquor shots that his body could handle.
Waking up the next day, Paul calls the Department of Homeland Security phone number to simply ask if the government would make an exception because sometimes they enforce the rule of law and sometimes they don’t so maybe they would just issue him a Uighur and it wouldn’t be a problem at all.
A receptionist answers the phone and Paul begins to describe how he is looking to take a Uighur. The receptionist cuts him off and asks him if he is from any country. He makes up the name of a country by meshing the prefix and suffix of the first words he sees. The receptionist hears him say Net Now. She asks him if that’s spelled as it sounds or is it spelled with an N-A-U at the end.
Perfect, he thinks. It’s worked because now they think he is from Netnau, a province off the coast of Asia. It’s somewhere amongst the islands of Melanesia, he explains, remembering the islands of Melanesia from a Geography Bee practice test some years ago.
Paul hangs up the phone and the paperwork begins to go through the bureaucracy of the Department of Homeland Security. He is told that he will get a phone call back if it is cleared.
To summarize a week’s worth of mismanaged bureaucratic work, Paul is called back and asked where he would like the Uighur to be delivered. Paul gives his address in Holland, Michigan. The receptionist asks him why he is being delivered there and he explains that he will be leaving there to return to Netnau after he finishes visiting some distant relatives. Surprisingly, it works.
A black unmarked vehicle pulls up days later and a Uighur is unloaded. Arzigul is wearing orange. A man grabs the Uighur by the arm and pushes him along to the front of the house.
Paul answers the door and the man asks him if he’ll be taking the Uighur. The man doesn’t seem too thrilled to be doing this job. He takes out an envelope with a government check in it and gives him some basic instructions. Paul takes in the information and then the man looks around for somebody else. Unable to find another person to dump this Uighur on, the man says, “Well, I guess he’s yours,” and leaves.
Paul is now richer. He doesn’t just have $10,000; the government check is for $50,000. And there’s promises of future payments, payments intended to be made because the U.S. just wants to move forward and forget all about all that happened with these Uighurs and Guantanamo.
So, that’s that. From there on, Paul has to get used to Arzigul. Paul hides the Uighur as long as he can until his mom finds out. When his mom begins to get clues as to what is going on, Paul packs his bags and leaves with Arzigul. They just begin driving toward the Pacific Coast in a car that Paul buys right off the lot of a Chrysler dealer that asks him no questions about the transaction because he is thrilled to still be in business.
The trek across country presents its ups and downs for Paul but overall, Paul is able to really find himself and realize that he needs to find a way to get Arzigul back to the Uighur community the U.S. took him from.
END
I’m thinking this could possibly be a short-running television series, something like Breaking Bad or Weeds, if I cannot work this idea into a decent movie script.
That’s if I can’t do like Morgan Spurlock and adopt a Uighur myself. I need the money and I think it would be great to roam around town this summer with a Uighur and let my neighborhood get to know a former Guantanamo detainee.
All joking aside, the government really does need to consider this idea for people in need of money. The government should run background checks and just let people adopt-a-Uighur.
The government and media talk about this as if they are animals the government cannot bear to take care of any longer. (Doesn’t “Uighur” sound like a creature from a science fiction television series like maybe, Star Trek?)
Sure, it would be like bringing back the days of indentured servants and slaves, but on the positive side, it would be a quick and easy way for those who have suffered as a result of the collapse of banks, Wall Street Bailouts, auto bailouts, the bankruptcy of GM and Chrysler, and the shut down of dealers and factories under GM and Chrysler.
It would help people who were let go from businesses because of the credit crunch or because the newspaper they were working for had to shut down entirely or cut back on the number of writers and editors it employed.
Let Uighurs be our next stimulus. Why not? It's better than many of the other solutions suggested thus far.
Video of Rachel Maddow volunteering to take 2 Guantanamo detainees.
