One thing is for sure – it’s an undisputed historical fact that America has a huge scrotum and it’s filled with gigantic balls!
JFK went head to head with the Soviets over missiles in Cuba and they backed down. Those were Jack’s big balls on exhibit there, right out in the open and painted red, white and blue for all the world to see. Marilyn Monroe saw them before anyone else, no doubt, but never mind that now.
LBJ claimed one of America’s warships was attacked in the Gulf of Tonkin. That led to America’s escalating involvement in Vietnam. I think the ship’s captain even found out about the attack by reading the papers. You know what that takes? You guessed it. Balls! Giant Texas-sized balls.
Kissinger sabotaged the Vietnam peace negotiations to the benefit of Nixon who got elected president and rewarded him by making him Secretary of State. Big balls. Then he helped negotiate the exact same terms, signed in 1973, that America was going to agree to in 1968 – after thousands more U.S. soldiers and hundreds of thousands of Vietnamese were killed. Really big balls. Kissinger also defined the domino theory for an entire nation of idiots and his influence made it an incontestable historical concept. Forever in American history people will associate the domino theory with communist domination of the world. If we lose one country to communism we will lose them all and pretty soon people in Kansas will be speaking Russian and eating borscht. The real domino theory, of course, for people who can read and think, involved Latin American countries instituting democratic reforms. America came to the rescue of big business, assisted in brutally stopping those reforms in each and every case, resulting in making Central and South America safe for corporate profits and in the process displayed huge cojones. Big, hanging to the right, balls.
Nixon agreed to leave office rather than be impeached, but as part of the deal he negotiated a full pardon from the guy he made president. That took balls. It wasn’t the only ballsy thing Tricky Dick did, but I’ll leave you that one as an example.
Reagan dropped Rangers into Granada after mumbling something on TV about nutmeg and U.S. students in danger. Again, not the ballsiest thing he did, but a pretty good example.
Wimp George H. W. Bush showed his stones by invading Panama rather than just docking the pay of his CIA employee Noriega. Of course the real issue was nullifying or weakening the treaty giving the canal back to the Panamanians that America had no intention of fully honoring. America never relinquishes power and authority over its underlings. Calling it Operation Just Cause took balls nobody even knew he had.
Clinton: Well, let’s just say he exhibited the whole package, so to speak. And on numerous occasions, from what we’ve come to find out. In between he passed initiatives that were more Republican than most of the things Republicans did in the three terms before his administration. And he lives with Hillary. That alone takes balls.
And Dubya, well, he achieved the piece de resistance in all things ballsifyin’ to include ignorance, stupidity, deception, greed, rhetoric, war-profiteering and hypocrisy, not to mention mangling his own native language. Buying diplomas from Yale and Harvard along with pretending to be a military jet pilot rank right up there too in terms of ballsyness.
Keep in mind that America’s ball-wagging is by no means confined to recent history. The Founders had balls – but in this isolated rare case, not seen again until JFK, they had the right kind of balls. Their balls were equally matched by their wisdom. Too bad we have since destroyed their legacy and sullied the very concept of having balls.
America didn’t hesitate to thrust its growing set of balls in every direction after the Revolution. The U.S. broke every treaty with the indigenous people of the land called “America” that was “discovered” by Columbus (even though the original inhabitants were waving at him from the shore). Paleface broke these treaties even after the natives saved the Pilgrims and spent 200 years attempting to share the land with the encroaching bigots that wanted it all for themselves. That, my friends, didn’t just take balls, it took Praise Jesus balls!
America had the balls to claim Mexican aggression as an excuse to go to war that resulted in a big fat land-grab. Truth be told, Mexicans didn’t even want Texas. I think they lost on purpose and gave up California, Nevada, Utah and most of Arizona willingly just to get rid of Texas. Still, as part of a shady real estate power play, it took balls.
America was growing and justified this increase in size using the term “manifest destiny” presumably because in those innocent times decorum prevented a public declaration that its big expanding balls required more territory.
America had the balls to massacre Filipino civilians even after claiming the humanitarian moral high ground of assisting them. Teddy Roosevelt, who truly had big rough-rider balls earned in the ballsy war to steal Spanish territories, said that “our little brown brothers” weren’t able to govern themselves and that’s why America did them a favor by assuming authority over them. It’s kind of hard to govern yourself when you are caught in a bowl-shaped valley surrounded by American artillery and infantry indiscriminately shooting every man, woman and child that moves. And that, taking into account the moral ambiguity of soldiers acting in true terror for their lives, takes balls.
I laugh every time I hear the phrase attributed to how America became so great – God, guns and guts! In reality it’s more like greed, deception and theft – and tremendously huge balls! Big round ones!
The U.S. just about trademarked referring to itself as a Champion of Democracy. Then when Iran’s democratically elected president decided Iran was entitled to more oil profits than American (and British) companies were willing to give up, the CIA deposed him, ended their democracy and installed the Shah. The Shah was a brutal dictator, but he was America’s brutal dictator and that makes all the difference. And that’s what really takes balls.
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