(Satire)
Revolutionary technology modeled on method used to bring down World Trade Center buildings
March 5
Boston (AP). American Institute of Demolition Engineers's president, Prof. Emmit Andales.
Danforth's Professor Emeritus at MIT, announced today that building demolition costs in the future will be reduced by 65-70% by the strategic use of fire to weaken the steel anchor beams in condemned buildings, causing them to collapse in their own footprint. The technology - developed after detailed study of the combustion pattern of the random jet-fuel fires that caused the tragic collapse of the three WTC buildings on Sept. 11, 2001 - is expected to immediately replace the much more costly, traditional method of detonating explosives in sequence over multiple floors. Jet-fuel is essentially kerosene.
"Neither demolition engineers nor the physicists who help us develop our technology had ever considered the possibility that weakening of random steel members by fire could result in the same symmetrical collapse within the footprint of the building that has been achieved in the past by the carefully honed technology of multiple explosives placed at strategic points on each floor," said Dr. Danforth. "We were particularly struck by how symmetrically the buildings collapsed despite the random locations of the fires and the asymmetric damage caused by the plane impacts. I am frankly astonished by the high level of expertise achieved by Al Qaeda, but it is true that Osama bin Laden is regarded as a very competent engineer."
However, American technology has regained the high ground over the Muslims. Dr. Danforth made it clear that "the method we have now perfected easily surpasses Al Qaeda technology; our design calculations show that most buildings can be brought down using less than half the kerosene that was being carried by the hijacked jets that demolished the WTC buildings. Also, it will never take as long as the 8 hours and 22 minutes that fires in WTC building #7 burned before that building suddenly collapsed at free fall speed perfectly within its footprint."
MIT President Dr. Harold Quatel in commended the work of Dr. Danforth's team, and commented: "At least one good thing has come out of the 911 tragedy that caused such a terrible loss of life."
