It is time to cut Dick Cheney a break. He's absolutely right, Americans are less safe under Barack Obama. In the good old days of the Bush-Cheney administration a business icon didn't have to fear public scorn and humiliation just because he snatched a few government dollars for his "retention" bonus. Bond traders, subprime issuers, credit default swap magnates and other financial wizards--the ex-backbone of our ex-economy--are now hiding in terror. The class-warfare Obamamaniacs want to confiscate their cash, parade them in front of congress, drag them into court and generally make their lives a living hell.
It's all so petty. Getting rich by soaking the government is a hallowed American tradition that Cheney rightly cherishes. The man is authentic; he knows whereof he speaks. Cheney waltzed from the Department of Defense to run Halliburton back in 1995, and when he left in 2000 he danced back out with between $30 and $100 million (nobody knows for sure because he's not telling) in cold, hard, government-contractor cash. And when that gig ended he picked himself for Vice President, so he could keep the tap flowing to his old friends in the defense industry by starting wars and throwing no-bid contracts at them.
That's the kind of loyalty you can't buy anymore in our cynical age. Well, OK, you can buy it, but that doesn't make it any less admirable. The Bush-Cheney guys took care of their own; they made sure the better classes got what's coming to them and never, ever had to live in fear. It was a safe, happy time in America.
But now, that commie Obama and his commissars are threatening to expose poor, helpless AIG executives, just because they got paid. Next thing you know their names will be all over the Internet, their faces will litter YouTube, and angry peasants will throw rocks at their cats and burn dollar signs on their front lawns. All for following the time-honored tradition of suckling hungrily on the public teat and making fortunes to spend in the Hamptons, thereby keeping waiters, limousine drivers and gardeners awash in petty cash.
Dick Cheney is absolutely right. When the economy collapses and our best and brightest have to sell their condos in Jackson Hole just to keep their interns in Tiffany's so they don't call their wives, we are less safe.
This tragedy is on the new president's head. Because of him, nothing is sacred in America anymore and no one is safe. For shame, Mr. Obama!
In other news, the Saudi government has issued a statement refuting the accusation that a miscarriage of justice had been perpetrated in that holy nation. Royal investigators have determined that Khamisa Mohammed Sawadi, the 75 year-old grandmother who received 40 lashes, purportedly for "mingling," was not being punished at the time.
"We would never do such a thing. Ms. Sawadi is a hero of the people," said a spokesperson from the House of Saud. "She committed no crime. What looked like a flogging was merely an innocent BDSM session that got out of hand when she couldn't bear to utter her safe word, 'Netanyahu'"
The spokesperson confirmed that Ms. Sawadi will be awarded the Saudi Royal Medal of Honor and a tube of Neosporin.
Despite the welcome uptick in the stock market, news came today reminding a stunned nation that the pain is not yet over. Ann Coulter, conservative firebrand and head model for iodine bottles has had her soul repossessed by the bank. Satan, the previous owner, regretted the decision but said he had no choice."
We were upside down," he said. "Her soul had deteriorated to the point where it was worth less than what we owed on it. We had to walk away."