Longtime
Senator Chester Snavely held a press conference on the steps of the Repentant
Sinner Monastery in
Dressed in a simple brown robe, he began "I decided that I could not stand myself any more the way I was. I had to do something. I was bought and sold more times than Apple shares on the stock exchange. I think the decisive moment came when I discovered a used version of myself for sale on e-bay for $5,000. The seller turned out to be a lobbyist for the oil industry who had originally bought me for $25,000. Now, pollution is harmful, but you have to understand my situation at the time he purchased me. I was in a tight race for reelection and needed money for television ads.
"When
I think of how I stood up on the floor of the Senate and said that oil spills
are beneficial to sea life, I am deeply ashamed. In my support of the lumber
industry, I probably destroyed more trees than a
When
asked by a reporter to describe his first week as a monk, former Senator
Snavely replied, "It was difficult; there are no women here. When I went on
corporate-sponsored junkets, I was able to grab more bottoms than an NFL
quarterback under center. I was wined, dined, and treated like royalty. All I
had to do was cast my vote in favor of the industry. I do miss the ladies; my
fellow monks are not very attractive. Perhaps that's a good thing. My soul
needs intense purification after 20 years in the United States Senate."
On the subject of signs of spiritual progress during his first week in the monastery, the former Senator told reporters, "Well, it's far too early for that. I can tell you I feel greater peace with the knowledge that in the past week, I have done nothing to harm people or the environment. That is more than I can say for my time as a member of the Senate."
In response to a question on his major regrets as a Senator, he replied, "Well, two actions come to mind. The first was when I introduced a bill to permit fracking inside Yellowstone National Park, but again you have to understand I needed the money. The second was when I submitted a bill entitled 'The Pedophile Protection Act' that would have barred jail time for first-time pedophiles. Fortunately, it died in committee."
Asked
if he had any advice for his former colleagues in the Senate, he said, "The
Lord forgave the prostitute Mary Magdalene. He will forgive you as well if you
repent and leave that house of prostitution known as the Capitol. Leaving it
behind is the path to your personal salvation." Senator Snavely then
blessed the press corps before entering the monastery.
