Article: Look! It's Me! Look! Please!

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You know what? I've really had enough of the right-wing Republican clowns and half-wits to whom mainstream media insist on providing airtime and print coverage. Seriously. I realize exposing the politics of these cretins might make the public aware of their irrelevancy and the danger inherent in allowing them to suck up any more political power in this rapidly declining Republic. But, where it concerns political sophistication we are talking about the U.S. voter, here. And, that's a group famously known for its inability to distinguish bullshit from apple butter where it concerns politics.

To a large, very large, extent the general public has become a fearful herd of mooing bovines, moved this way then that way by whatever barking Republican is handed a mic or is steered toward a camera. Is there any topic, any attitude, any idea, any anything that a right wing Republican can't saturate with fear and then use to turn the cowardly Mister or Missus Television-Watching America into a vibrating mass of onrushing panic and crippling nausea?

The most visible example of these anti-American anima-assassini (aside from the bloated, tic-besotted sociopath Rush Limbaugh) is disgraced former House Speaker and serial adulterer Newt Gingrich. What is it with this beady-eyed freak? Can't he just retreat to whatever right wing "think" tank is willing to toss him a few thou every year for an endless stream of position papers on "How The Liberals Will Be Defeated Next Year For Sure," or better yet, just sit down and shut the f*ck up? After all, he is a big-time loser, right?

Why would anyone care what this whiner has to say -- even card-carrying members of the pathetic and near-dead Republican Party? But, he's still able to weasel invitations to events like Monday's convocation of Party "loyalists" in Washington, an annual event organized to make the remaining financial contributors feel as though they are not, in fact, dying, but full of piss and vinegar and daily-dose Cialis, and ready to hear How The Liberals Will Be Defeated Next Year For Sure. (These were individual contributors, of course; not the corporate behemoths that operate only in the shadows.)

Newt, hunched at the podium, with his weird enunciation and weirder cadences, tried to make the assembled bridge trolls understand that if they will only listen to him, will only recognize his astute leadership qualities, will only consider how desperately they need to get him nominated for the presidency, if only they will do this, they are going to finally, really, actually defeat the insidious liberals and progressives who are hiding everywhere, ready to strike at a moment's notice, waiting only for the call to action that will come from The Head Liberal himself . . . Lord Satan!!!! And, in a death-match with Lord Satan, of all the potential candidates, only the virile, sneering Newtster would prevail. Trust him on that.

Speaking to the seriously deranged in the audience, Newt croaked, "I am happy that Dick Cheney is a Republican." The sound of hundreds of pace-makers clicking in the audience increased slightly in tempo and filled the auditorium with a sound similar to suddenly excited crickets. Not content with the rapid clicks, Gingrich added that President Obama has "already failed." The line was not good enough. No one clapped. But, that was the best Newt could do. His tired rhetoric was not reaching the crescendo he had hoped for. The infrequent applause was desultory at best. The crowd was waiting for the star of the event and the person who actually "hosted" the "dinner." And that was . . . the ever-youthful, Academy Award nominated, father of (gasp!) Angelina Jolie, liberal Hollywood anachronism Jon Voight! (Applause, applause, applause!)

Voight wasted no time as he delivered a particularly harsh rebuke to Obama, saying he was "embarrassed" by the president and that Obama's leadership would cause the "downfall" of the country. "We are becoming a weak nation," he said, calling Obama a "false prophet" and his administration the "Obama oppression." Newt could only look on and listen in painful envy. Damn! Why couldn't I have said that?! "False prophet." Write it down. Next month there's all sorts of Fourth of July events. Use it then. Don't say I got it from Voight. Steal it. f*ck Voight. f*ck 'em all. Don't they understand who I am?! I'm a goddam leader! Someone like me only comes around when the stars are perfectly aligned. Like now! And f*ck Sarah Palin, too! Goddam Eskimo!

After Voight spoke, Republican leaders praised his comments. "You're great. Come back any time," Senate leader Mitch McConnell (Closeted-KY) said. Gingrich called Voight's comments a "rallying cry" until the next elections in 2010. Then he went to the men's room, peed, washed his hands, and smoothed his hair. He didn't bother flushing.