My
fellow citizens, for far too long our beloved nation has forgotten the sacred
truth upon which it was created. In America, majority rules. But fear not; hope
is on the way.
The
Supreme Court will soon prove, in the case of The People vs. Obamacare, that it
still takes a majority to rule the United States. A majority of five to four.
With
the grace of God and a dose of courage, the Supreme Court can save us. I see a
sunlit future, coming at us like glory, when five to four rules the land".
Today,
in a five-to-four decision, the Supreme Court ruled all corporate income taxes
unconstitutional. Justice Scalia, writing for the majority said, "The
individual income tax is fair and proper, because the people are taxing themselves,
which is their right under the Constitution. But corporations, while people,
cannot vote directly. Thus all corporate taxes are a violation of the principle
of taxation without representation, and are hereby rendered null and void."
Clarifying
centuries of dispute, the Supreme Court today, in a five-to-four decision,
resolved the contentious issue of the separation of church and state. In his
majority opinion, Justice Alito wrote, "The separation the Founders had in mind
was literal and absolute. A separation is a wall, and the founding fathers
meant it as such. Therefore, this court rules that the White House and the
White Church be separated by a wall, suitably high and thick, as to require a
door to pass between."
In
a five-to-four vote, the Supreme Court ruled today that the Interstate Highway
System be privatized. Writing for the majority in the case of Koch Brothers vs.
Pelosi, Chief Justice Roberts said, "The justification for the land grab known
as the Interstate Highway System was the Interstate Commerce clause of the
Constitution. Commerce, by definition, is an exchange of goods for money. A
toll-free highway system does not meet that standard. Therefore, we rule that
all routes are to be sold to the plaintiffs' corporation, Koch Industries, the
sole bidder on the contract."
In
a long-awaited decision, the Supreme Court today overturned Roe vs. Wade by a
vote of five to four. All abortions are now illegal and subject to criminal
sanction. Justice Thomas, writing for the majority, was brilliant in his
brevity. "Because we say so," he wrote.
In
a related case, the Supreme Court, by a vote of five to four, repealed the 19th
amendment to the constitution. Women's suffrage is thus revoked. In his
majority opinion, Justice Scalia wrote, "Our government was founded on the
hallowed principle of one man, one vote. Women, not being men, clearly do not
rise to that standard. However, this court is not insensitive to the
possibility that a woman of childbearing years may be, from time to time,
pregnant with a male baby, and with the repeal of Roe vs. Wade, that this baby
shall be born.
"Therefore,
in order to spare the fairer sex invasive procedures to determine the gender of
an unborn child, this court hereby decrees that all pregnant female subjects be
allotted three-fifths of a vote during the duration of their delicate
condition."
In
a landmark ruling defending state's rights, The Supreme Court today declared
Mitt Romney the winner of the 2012 presidential election. Writing for the
majority, Justice Alito said, "While it superficially appears that Mr. Obama
won the election, receiving five million more popular votes than his opponent,
this court must defer to the judgment of those states with Republican
legislatures which invalidated the votes for Mr. Obama on the grounds that he
is not a naturally born American, and thus is ineligible for the office of
President of these United States. Mr. Romney was the highest vote getter in the
late election who is incontestably American, and this court deems him duly
elected."
In
a five-to-four decision the Supreme Court refused to overturn the guilty
verdict of Leroy Jones, convicted of a murder he couldn't have committed,
because he wasn't yet born at the time of the crime, a fact that prosecutors in
Birmingham, Alabama kept from the jury on procedural grounds.
Writing
for the majority, Justice Scalia said, "While the court sympathizes with Mr.
Jones, and wishes him an easy, painless execution, we find it beyond the scope
of our writ to interfere with the workings of state justice. As this court has
stated many times, we are not, and never will be, an activist bench."
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