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Obituaries of Note

By       Message Leni Matlin     Permalink
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Photograph: Alexandr Kornienko / 123RF StockPhoto

(Editor's Note - this is Satire)

Hector Tyrone Groundnut: 79

Secretary of Health, Education and

Welfare under President Ronald Reagan

Former Secretary Hector T. Groundnut will be remembered for his notorious attempt to have cardboard approved as a food product. At a press conference to explain why he overrode the FDA and even his own staff in permitting corporations to use cardboard as food he explained, "With the addition of vitamins and minerals to the natural cellulose, cardboard becomes an inexpensive alternative food source with an indefinite shelf life well suited for shipping and warehousing and will aid the poor of this world to meet their nutritional requirements. And it is biodegradable and there will be no waste as the package itself will be eaten!" he enthused.

At the show and tell portion of the briefing he was grandly served a sandwich with nutritionally enhanced cardboard substituted for bread. All went well until the third bite, when a piece of the "bread" lodged in the Secretary's esophagus and he had to be rushed to an emergency room to have it removed. Shortly afterward, Secretary Groundnut resigned and assumed the chairmanship of the American Cardboard Council whose slogan is: "The Future has a Name and that Name is CARDBOARD."

Groundnut had just signed a contract and closed a deal with the Chinese Ministry of Prisons to deliver a ton of chocolate dipped Styrofoam pellets monthly as a dessert for the People's National Liberation Prison Labor Brigade. Cause of death was septicemia due to chronic constipation as Mr. Groundnut had not had a movement in twenty years.

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Baroness Dame Eulicia Cornucopia

Desmonia Feces de Rothschild: 102

The Wealthiest Woman in the World

When the richest woman in the world, Baroness Dame Eulicia Cornucopia Desmonia Feces de Rothschild went to retrieve her prized and priceless three-tiered diamond, ruby, and emerald necklace originally made for Catherine the Great, she fell into her enormous private underground vault and suffocated in her money.

"We believe mother is at the 13 billion level and hope to retrieve her body by tomorrow evening," her son Baron Lionel Feces de Rothschild explained. "As her will decrees, she will be embalmed in gold and platinum leaf and set atop the Eiffel Tower in a pose of benediction."

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According to Baron Rothschild, "We [the Rothschilds] have owned France since the end of World War II when the government defaulted on its war loans after putting up the country as collateral. Mother wishes to survey our domain even in death."

Crystal Starlight: 64

The Florence Nightingale of Woodstock

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Leni Matlin was born in NYC and attended Brooklyn College before moving to California in his twenties. For the better part of his adult life, he has worked as a musician (keyboards / vocals) and played in more bands then he can remember, while (more...)

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