Not that I'm the unsentimental type. I've had a lot of nicknames in my life. But as soon as a man starts using pet names at all times instead of my real one, I get a little peeved and suspect one of two things: Either he can't remember my name or worse, there are 18 different telephone numbers under the name, "Babe . Sorry, Tiger; I'm a hole in one type of girl. Your driver is not coming anywhere near my address.
"Sweet thing and "Sugar sound really comforting coming out of the mouth of a smooth talking Southern man. So does "Would you like that in 50's or 100's? With this economy it's not like a lot of people are hearing the latter. I haven't heard the former in years.
"Sweetie is a pet name that just gets
on my nerves. If I hear one more sales clerk call me "Sweetie I may have
to get my first name legally changed just so I can ask, "How did you
know my name? the next time someone dares to call me that. Whatever
happened to "Sir or "Ma'am ? Call me b*tch old fashioned, but I
am not anyone's sweetie when I am paying my hard earned money for goods and
services. I'm an economist.
I once dated a
man who called me a lot of things. "Cutie and "Honey were two of his
favorites. The problem was that he also called almost every female that
moved he came in contact with "Cutie and "Honey , too. My real name
may as well have been "Dude .Another love interest of mine called me
"Darling in public and "Baby in bed. Nothing wrong with that, you
say? Dead wrong. When I was three years old, I used to play with my
Barbie doll and sing a song I made up called "Darling Baby . On the off
chance that this "boyfriend in question was not too busy with everything
and everyone else willing to have sex (which got progressively worse and
less frequent), I couldn't get the song out of my head as I lay there wanting
nothing more than to snap his head off and ride away on my pink dune buggy. A
few years later, I realized and accepted that my hatred for dolls in general
(and Barbie in particular) stemmed from this experience. It turns out the "boyfriend was just
like Ken; he lacked both personality and genitalia and was never gainfully
employed.
I think that
Barbie needs be discontinued or revamped to look like the tired, sexually
frustrated addled woman that many women are destined to be. Mattel ought
to give her a complete makeover with some hips, chronic fatigue and a few chin hairs. "PMS
Barbie and "Menopausal Barbie will teach girls what the future holds.
How about "Twice Divorced Barbie , "Stretch Mark Barbie or "No More Crappy Sex Barbie ? I'd
be happy to be the model for one or two of those prototypes. I would humbly
suggest putting off "Golfer Groupie Barbie for a few years. Instead, Mattel
may want to consider focusing on giving Ken a conscience, vocabulary, a pair of balls and a schlong. And a
job.
Don't get me
wrong. Terms of endearment was a really great movie have their
place, but we all have our names for a reason. I just don't want to
be the victim of collective mistress identity theft. So take that, Tiger
Ken. And the tramp sweetie non-menstruating Barbie(s) you
rode in on.
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