Article: Santa, Enemy Combatant

The following is a repost of a satire I did several years back. Merry Christmas to all!

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Apparently wishing to go out with one significant arrest during his tenure at The Department of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge announced today the arrest of Santa Clause.

In a daring midnight raid, FBI and local North Pole law enforcement officials stormed the previously unknown residence of the reclusive elf-master. A local officer was quoted as saying Mr. Clause was in the middle of wrapping boxes, with unknown contents, a sure sign of terrorism-related activities.

Mr. Ridge defended the collar today by saying, “what we do know is that Mr. Clause has multiple aliases, including Mr. Kringle and Saint Nick, which we believe to be an al Qaeda code name”. Ridge continued, “Look, this guy has had unfettered access to our borders for years untold. He never clears customs, never presents identification, and is always carrying multiple wrapped boxes which are never properly screened. In this post 9-11 world, those are risks we just cannot continue to take”.

The administration has decided to raise the terror alert to Red-Gold-Green, to commemorate the arrest. When asked what that meant for the average American, Ridge replied, “Nothing, none of the colors actually mean anything. This is just a more festive way to be scared for the holidays”.

Apparently, the tip that led to the arrest came from an Internet chat room named “Islamic Reindeer”, which an employee of Mr. Clause was frequenting. It seems that the reindeer formerly known as Blitzen had recently converted to Islam, assuming his new name, ablitzu-az-adeer. These facts remained unconfirmed however as Ridge stated, “we had solid intelligence, increased chatter levels, and unnamable sources close to the detainee which gave us pause to believe that he was planning a major operation, covering several countries in the world, later this month. It involved the delivery of multiple “packages” to unsuspecting domestic targets”. When asked if these packages were actually referred to as “presents” by the incarcerated, Mr. Ridge replied, “Yes, there is apparently no end to his twisted sickness”.

Later in the day, President Bush was asked about the arrest and the potential negative backlash for body-cavity searching such a globally popular figure. Mr. Bush responded by saying, “ America is safer today. Another rogue element has been brought to justice. We smoked em out of his arctic hole and have secured this world for democracy once more”. Bush continued, “I am not concerned because the American people have given me a mandate, they have given me political capital and I intend on spending it. 9-11 changed they way we must view the world. It is a pre-9-11 mindset to think that it is ok to have someone sneaking across our borders and “visiting” homes late at night, dropping off unmarked packages.” Bush concluded with a stern warning, “Let this put the world on watch. America will take this fight to wherever it leads us, even if it is unpopular. Mr. Clause represents the vilest factions of evil-doers in this world. People who think they are above my law, I mean the law. If you try to circumvent the American way of life, and I don’t care of you are delivering little chocolate eggs, you will be detained”.

Experts interpreted the last Bush comment to be a clear shot across the bow of the Easter Bunny, who was unavailable for interview. A spokesman for the rabbit released the following statement, “The Easter Bunny does not condone the illegal detention of Mr. Clause. He wishes to express however that he has no affiliation with him and has not converted to Islam. He respectfully requests that his name be taken off the no-fly list”. A Department of Homeland Security spokesman said that the bunny would remain on the list, as would Cat Stevens and any other terrorist-loving small animal.

Democrats reacted angrily today claiming the arrest is just a cheap political stunt to throw attention away from a failed terrorism policy. Outgoing Minority Leader, Tom Daschle said, “It doesn’t take a genius to see through this one. It has been four years and this President did not have one significant arrest for terrorism. The economy is crumbling and it is the holidays. Suddenly, Santa goes down, please”.

It appears that for now, Santa is being held in a brig off the coast of South Carolina while the Bush Administration shops for a judge. When Mr. Ridge was asked about legal representation, he responded, “We do not believe that the Geneva Conventions apply here. Not only do we have solid proof we cannot take to court that Mr. Clause was planning a “December surprise”, but he had the potential to release a dirty bomb in any city he wanted to. He does not fight for an army; he simply is an independent operative who we feel we have the legal right to torture until we get the intelligence we need to invade Iran ”.

The ACLU had reportedly stated they had wished to challenge the detention and represent Mr. Clause. The major problem they were having though is that it appears they first want to unionize the elves he had working under him. A representative for the ACLU released the following statement, “We believe that Mr. Clause deserves a fair and open trial. We would like to represent him in these efforts but it has come to our attention that the elves working for him are slaving away in squalid conditions and a pay scale that would make Wal-Mart ashamed. It is for these reasons that until the elves are unionized, we cannot go forward with the Clause case”.

Many pundits and talking heads have already weighed in. Talk show host Sean Hannity was quoted today as saying, “This anti-American bastard got what he deserved. I have sources who say he knew about 9-11 and had met with Mohammed Atta in Prague during the late 1980s. America is safer today. Another rogue element has been brought to justice. We smoked em out of his arctic hole and have secured this world for democracy once more”. When it was pointed out that his quote was a direct repeat of the Bush comment from earlier in the day, Hannity replied that he does not get White House talking points, really.

Rush Limbaugh has commented as well saying, “This guy is evil. I am glad that we finally have a President that will stand up to these terrorists who think they are above our laws. The only people I want to receive presents from are my family, friends and pharmacist! Now, you will hear the liberals whining about how he was just going to give presents to kids, but please do you really believe that America? Do you want some guy you don’t know climbing down your chimney to deliver unmarked presents to your kids? I tell you what I would do if I saw him in my home; I’d blow his elf-lovin terrorist ass to the South Pole! That’s the American way!”

Air-America radio host Al Franken simply said, “Are you frickin kidding me?”

No matter how America will react, one thing is for sure, Santa will be spending the holidays with Lynndie England and I sure don’t want to see those photos.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all.