The current issue of the journal Genetics Today has an article by scientists announcing the discovery that affiliation with Republicanism is genetically determined.
The article reports of the gene that codes for Republicanism, discovered after a three year study of flamboyantly out Republicans in Fort Worth and Houston, Texas, has sent shock waves through corporate executive suites, the yachting, country club and golfing communities.
When asked about the possibility that the most extreme examples of Republicanism, Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck, the scientists said that their radicalism is not genetic, that it is an obvious, clear-cut example of severe mental deficiency, referred to in the scientific community as lunacy.
Psychologists have long debated the nature versus nurture cause of Republicanism, those in favor of the nurture cause pointing out that almost all Republicans have parents that are intolerant, domineering Republicans. Biologists favoring the nature cause have pointed out that it's quite common for a Republican to have a sibling who is a Republican.
Parents of Republicans are relieved to not have to bear the blame for the unlovable political views of their children and other unindicted co-conspirators.
One Democratic mother of a Republican son was overjoyed with the finding. "I have always believed it was genetic," she said. "No one would choose that lifestyle. The flaming xenophobia, the flamboyant hypocrisy, the unfounded belief in some mysterious invisible hand that rules their life," she said.
Some of the Republicans in the study said they had suspected early in their lives that they had a tendency toward Republicanism since they were attracted to demagoguery and found great satisfaction in telling outrageous lies.
In spite of the evidence for the genetic cause of Republicanism, some of the Democrats in the double-blind study confessed that they sometimes fantasized about voting Republican and had hidden relationship with a Republican. However, in well-adjusted people, this experimentation with Republicanism rarely outlasts adolescence.
Some Republican activists hail the findings as a step forward, rather than an invitation to more conservophobia. They say that since they didn't "choose" their unwholesome lifestyle they shouldn't be denied the rights to which normal people are entitled. Although Republicans are vehemently opposed to any kind of entitlement for anyone, they insist on their right to have Republicans who are still in the closet to "out" themselves and take what they are entitled to.
Some of the scientists in the study hold out hope that with the rapid advances being made in gene therapy, it might be possible to eliminate Republicanism in the near future.
Since the study shows that Republicanism may not be just the result of sheer orneriness, obstinacy and contrariness, things that Republicans can't help in spite of the great pleasure they get out of it, there's no reason we shouldn't tolerate them in the military and high public office, provided they don't march around flaunting their political beliefs.