For years, Democrats and their political consultants have been stymied over how the American electorate can lose complete faith in the Republican party and yet when it came election time, no matter the level of mismanagment in a deadly war, the frequency of high crimes, or the plethora of leaks that may have placed CIA agents in jeopardy, they seem to vote the same GOP back into office. Now the Dems can take some solace in the fact that it probably wasn't their fault.
In a story that seems to have escaped the pens and microphones of the elite liberal mainstream media „ , 90% of the Republican officials elected over the past six years have tested positive for illegal steroids.
"It wasn't so much a shock that we discovered the usage," said one researcher who asked not to be identified at DNC laboratories. "it was that our wives weren't outed before we made the announcement."
"Up till now we've not been able to do a thorough investigation into the problem as ADS usage is difficult to track, leaves no trace of actual votes, and can easily be discarded before it can be tested," said Dr A. Gore of DNC Labs. "But finally, when a bunch of GOPers started getting cocky and got into a pissing contest, we were able to finally test their urine samples. Voila. ADS."
The first credible evidence of ADS use came into light during the 2004 presidential election, when John Kerry seemed to walk all over a seemingly defeated George W. Bush in the presidential debates. Polls taken through the election day showed a wide lead for Democratic nominee, Kerry, especially in Ohio. Yet when the ballots (not actually ballots; more like cyber votes) were "counted," Bush was declared the winner.
"We started to notice high incidents of side effects with controversial candidates who, despite unethical and possibly criminal behavior in office, seemed to be Teflon-coated when it came election time to vote for them, "said Dean. "It could have been the Teflon itself, but more likely, the Gynecomastia Breast development testicular atrophyin their supporters or the male-like body hair increase in women candidates, we always traced it back to regular ADS use."
ADS delivery systems vary dependent of the venue and circumstance. In debate settings, a drip device is stored in a small box that can easily affixed to the back and hidden under a sports jacket and administers the ADS throughout the contest.
During the voting process itself, ADS is applied directly onto the voting mechanisms. For example, if it is determined that a particular district has a likely large plurality for your opponent, ADS is discharged causing breakdown or deletion in the amount of available voting machines. It has yet to be determined if this is a racial element of ADS or just one of those coincidences that happen all the time.
ADS can also be indirectly applied through campaign funds of Secretary of States who oversee election results with near undetectable or just a "c'mon, this would need a huge coverup for this to happen" process.
Lawyers close to the ADS controversy say that while its use may have handed the Republican Party undeserved victories, steroids weren't actually illegal in politics.
"Look, politicians always taken advantage of questionable methods to get a leg up on their opponent," said presidential historian, Doris Kearns Goodwin. "It may not have been ADS, but it was just as effective. Richard Nixon would have been president in 1960 if it weren't for CDC (Counting Dead Chicagoians), a crude hallucinatory employed by the Kennedy boys.
When presented with the findings, Howard Dean said that he would find out what kind of steroids they were using and get a case of them to every Democratic candidate in a tight race.
Steve Young is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful." Then again, you might want to purchase his new wacky kiddie novel "15 Minutes" for your liberal kiddies.
