Article: Survivor Puerto Vallarta: I need advice on how to survive 16 days on a beach!

Every morning when I wake up, I say to myself, "What kind of good deeds can I do today?" And then I run through all the various possibilities in my mind. And those possibilities end up taking me off on the weirdest adventures. How the freak do you think I ended up in Iraq? Or as the world's most un-read blogger? Or a woman whose mission is to put Bush and Cheney in jail? Or even to attempt to be nice to my idiot neighbors and have patience with my greedy older sister (I totally FAILED on that assignment! Sorry about that. That woman just needs b*tch-slapping. Nothing else will do).

My goal in life is to do at least one good deed a day -- as well as one half-hour of housework. I can do that. I got a timer now. I clean house like crazy until the bell goes off. But I digress.

"Life is a competition. The winners are the ones who do the most good deeds." I gotta win that competition! Mahatma Gandhi and Mother Theresa are WAY ahead of me! I gotta catch up. If I could end world violence, get rid of nuclear weapons, lift the siege of Gaza, stop the politicized rape of women (or ALL rape for that matter), throw greedy lying connivers like Bush and Cheney in jail where they could spend quality time repenting their sins, put a monkey-wrench in globalization, end racism and genocide, give Iraqi farmers all rights to the oil under their feet and end global warming, I'd win the prize. For sure!

But in the meantime, I'm not doing so good. My get-up-and-go has got up and gone. And this morning the only good deed I could think of to do was to water the plants. "Jane, you need a vacation!" Iraq and that month spent in a former bantustan in South Africa weren't enough? "No, you need a REAL vacation." Who me? "Here's a special offer to fly to Puerto Vallarta for only $198. Think, Jane. Puerto Vallarta. Beaches. Tacos. Nightlife. Just DO it." So I did. I actually bought the freaking plane ticket.

Now what have I done?

Are there going to be any opportunities to do good deeds in Puerto Vallarta? And where do I stay? And what do I eat? I'm leaving December 4 and coming back December 20 and I've got $300 in my bank account and a sleeping bag. DOES ANYBODY OUT THERE HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS? I can sleep on the beach. I can eat tacos off the vendor carts. I can try to help out the Huitchol indians or work with the people who live in the city dump or offer a helping hand to the drunken tourists who get lost hopping between bars. I can walk instead of taking taxis. I can swim in the ocean instead of taking a bath. BUT WHERE DO I PEE!

Stay tuned for the first episode of "Survivor Puerto Vallarta"!