Article: If at first you don't secede...

> Dear Red States...
>
> We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
> we're
> taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that
> includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan,
> Illinois and all the Northeast.
>
> We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
> to
> the people of the new country of New California.
>
> To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We
> get
> stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get
> Ken
> Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and
> Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get
> 85
> percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get
> Alabama.
>
> We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
> pay
> their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower
> than
> the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
> bunch
> of single moms.
>
> Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war,
> and
> we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you
> need
> people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're
> apparently
> willing to send to their death for no purpose, and they don't care if
> you
> don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish
> you
> success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing
> to
> spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
>
> With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
> of the
> country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and
> lettuce, 92
> percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality
> wines
> (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese,
> 90
> percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal,
> all
> living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister
> schools,
> plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
>
> With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
> percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),
> 92
> percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes,
> 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists,
> virtually
> 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,
> Clemson and the University of Georgia.
>
> We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
>
> Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
> actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless
> we're discussing the death penalty or laws, 44 percent say that
> evolution is
> only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61
> percent of
> you crazy s believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
>
> By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
> they
> grow in Mexico