Most Popular Choices
Share on Facebook 5 Printer Friendly Page More Sharing
OpEdNews Op Eds   

If at first you don't secede...

By Bob Minkus, author unknown  Posted by Joan Brunwasser (about the submitter)       (Page 1 of 1 pages)   No comments
Follow Me on Twitter     Message Joan Brunwasser
> Dear Red States...
>
> We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
> we're
> taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that
> includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan,
> Illinois and all the Northeast.
>
> We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
> to
> the people of the new country of New California.
>
> To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We
> get
> stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get
> Ken
> Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and
> Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get
> 85
> percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get
> Alabama.
>
> We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
> pay
> their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower
> than
> the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
> bunch
> of single moms.
>
> Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war,
> and
> we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you
> need
> people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're
> apparently
> willing to send to their death for no purpose, and they don't care if
> you
> don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish
> you
> success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing
> to
> spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
>
> With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
> of the
> country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and
> lettuce, 92
> percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality
> wines
> (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese,
> 90
> percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal,
> all
> living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister
> schools,
> plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
>
> With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
> percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),
> 92
> percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes,
> 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists,
> virtually
> 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,
> Clemson and the University of Georgia.
>
> We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
>
> Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
> actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless
> we're discussing the death penalty or laws, 44 percent say that
> evolution is
> only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61
> percent of
> you crazy s believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
>
> By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
> they
> grow in Mexico
Rate It | View Ratings

Joan Brunwasser Social Media Pages: Facebook page url on login Profile not filled in       Twitter page url on login Profile not filled in       Linkedin page url on login Profile not filled in       Instagram page url on login Profile not filled in

Joan Brunwasser is a co-founder of Citizens for Election Reform (CER) which since 2005 existed for the sole purpose of raising the public awareness of the critical need for election reform. Our goal: to restore fair, accurate, transparent, secure elections where votes are cast in private and counted in public. Because the problems with electronic (computerized) voting systems include a lack of (more...)
 

Go To Commenting
The views expressed herein are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of this website or its editors.
Follow Me on Twitter     Writers Guidelines

 
Contact EditorContact Editor
Support OpEdNews

OpEdNews depends upon can't survive without your help.

If you value this article and the work of OpEdNews, please either Donate or Purchase a premium membership.

STAY IN THE KNOW
If you've enjoyed this, sign up for our daily or weekly newsletter to get lots of great progressive content.
Daily Weekly     OpEd News Newsletter
Name
Email
   (Opens new browser window)
 

Most Popular Articles by this Author:     (View All Most Popular Articles by this Author)

Interview with Dr. Margaret Flowers, Arrested Tuesday at Senate Roundtable on Health Care

Renowned Stanford Psychologist Carol Dweck on "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success"

Howard Zinn on "The People Speak," the Supreme Court and Haiti

Snopes confirms danger of Straight Ticket Voting (STV)

Fed Up With Corporate Tax Dodgers? Check Out PayUpNow.org!

Literary Agent Shares Trade Secrets With New Writers

To View Comments or Join the Conversation:

Tell A Friend