Article: Bush Speech: a Tutorial in Bad Fortune Cookie Proverbs

I had this written up last night, but I've been on the road all day and unable to put it online until now. In my next op-ed I'm going to comment on the right wing spin. I drove through New Jersey, Pennsylvannia, Maryland, and West Virginia today. The radio waves are crawling with republican snakes dishing out false statistics under the pretense of objective reporting. More to come...

First, I have to call out President Bush for borrowing from my semantics in his press conference yesterday when he said, "You know, we've got some people dancing in the end zone here in Washington, D.C." He was referring to the little story he made up about democrats who are such egotistic latte-drinking, New York Times readers, that they think they already won this election.

My devoted readers will no doubt recall that my October 20 op-ed included the following:

"Some over-paid young punk... coined the notorious adjective "flip-flopper"... It was a touchdown...Republicans liked it so much they did the equivalent of a five-hour touchdown celebration. Eventually John Kerry's team went home, dejected and beat." (Look Who's Flip-Flopping Now, October 20, 2006)

Hmmm. October 20. That would have been about the time Bush's bratty little speechwriters were penning yesterday's horrendous tutorial in maxims. It's just another example of how even White House employees visit this website to learn something every once and a while.

Bush also said that the democrats are measuring windows and picking out "drape" colors. Well that might be what Bush and Mark Foley do before they move into a new office, but democrats scratched their heads with as much puzzlement over that comment as you are experiencing right now.

It's too bad that Bush didn't borrow more from the many instances of brilliance in my writing, available exclussively at Op-ed News, because his speech really bombed everywhere else. Aside from saying nothing, it was a collection of trashy romance-genre maxims that were about as enlightening as Denny "To the Best of My Ability" Hastert's testimony on the Mark Foley scandal.

Take a look at these maxims pulled from Bush's speech the other day:

1 "It remains critical that America defeat the enemy."
2 "As the enemy shifts tactics, we are shifting our tactics as well."
3 "A military solution alone will not stop violence."
4 "An untouched stone is best forgotten." (I made this one up. See if you can pick out any other maxims I made up.)
5 "We are pressing Iraq's leaders to take bold measures to save their country."
6 "We're making it clear that America's patience is not unlimited."
7 "The way to succeed in Iraq is to help Iraq's government grow in strength and assume more control over its country as quickly as possible."
8 "The shortest distance between two points is a straight line."
9 "[The American people] want to win."
10 "[The American people] will support the war as long as they see a path to victory.
12 "If [the American people] don't see a clear path, they will not pull out their compass and check the map. They will simply stand there until they are eaten by a grizzly bear."
13 "The road to victory will not be easy."
14 "We should not expect a simple solution."
15 "We cannot allow our dissatisfaction to turn into disillusionment about our purpose in this war."
16 "We cannot let our consternation to allow too much fornication."
17 "In past wars, we've lost young Americans who gave everything to protect our freedom and way of life."
18 "We mourn every loss."

Bush also made some slightly strange insinuations about highly respected officials in our government: He said, "We must not fall prey to the sophisticated propaganda by the enemy, who is trying to undermine our confidence and make us believe that our presence in Iraq is the cause of all its problems." Perhaps Bush was referring to the 16 US intelligence agencies that reported, "Our presence in Iraq is the cause of all its problems."

In one of the most striking and fearless questions ever launched at the imperial little firecracker, who reporters loose sleep over, fearing he will end their lives or their precious, ego-boosting, selfish, self-centered, loose-sex-life careers, one reporter boldly asked:

"In the past, Democrats and other critics of the war who talked about benchmarks and timetables were labeled as defeatists, Defeatocrats, or people who wanted to cut and run.
So why shouldn't the American people conclude that this is nothing from you other than semantic, rhetoric games and all politics two weeks before an election?"

"Pop!" said the little firecracker. Bush replied, "There is a significant difference between benchmarks for a government to achieve and a timetable for withdrawal."

Whoops. Must have been a dud. That's a shaken and thrown little man running from a confrontation. The president, without the lighting and flight suit, is about as cowardly as they come...a Vietnam draft-dodger among other disgraces. It's still outrageous that reporters are too timid to interrupt Bush when he veers widely away from the question and reverts to his old maxims:

"A mountain is higher than a valley."
"A beam of light can touch two lives."
"A path of patience takes time."

What, really, do they have to loose any more? Besides the economy, the environment, and about every other thing that Americans cherish whether they know it or not. Bush is out of power in two years.

How they sit there like a trembling, cowering, frightened little herd of lambs and squeak out softball questions to this draft-dodging, bicycle-seat loving, diminutive drunk at the podium without any shame for themselves is beyond me. Then they print this fortune cookie cow flop and extrapolate some broader meaning, cash their pay check and go home in eternal fear of getting fired and realizing that they live worthless lives built only on their big name at whatever mainstream news agency they work for.

Career-saving Americans...how gutless they really are.