By Eric Malone
That’s what L. Patrick Gray of the FBI said after destroying incriminating Watergate documents from E. Howard Hunt: “I know I’m in there, and I’m coming in after me!”
Well, you can now hear a national sigh of relief with the recent announcement that the Right-Wing Republican American Justice League (formerly US Justice) is investigating itself.
Of course, they can’t touch Monica Goodling since she got inoculated with Congressional Immunity before she testified that she “crossed the line” by hiring loyal Bushies to enforce the law against Democrats and to protect malfeasant Repugnicants. Baby got back, and a Get Out Of Jail Free Card in exchange for her testimony.
You might remember Monica as the person who resigned from Justice under Gonzo Alberto and claimed the Fifth Amendment. She is a graduate of Regent University in Law. Founder Pat Robertson of “700 Club” fame changed the name because he thought people might not take a Law degree from “Christian Broadcast Network University.” Seriously.
Monica earned her stripes by working on the Satan-Cthulu Campaign in 2004 digging up dirt on liberals and leaking it to boot-licking “journalists” to make sure Satan would beat John Kerry that November.
She was digging through the manure in her Playtex rubber gloves, squeezing it for scandal, right alongside her other buddy in Karl Rove’s office, Tim Griffin. Although the media barely mentioned it, Griffin resigned last week, along with White House Counselor Dan Bartlett, attorney to The Lyin’ King. Lots of lawyers going down, and not in a good way.
Griffin is most famous for an email he received in 2004 with an Excel file containing the “Caging” list of names of blacks, Jews, and Latinos who were to be denied the vote in Florida, Ohio, New Mexico, and Iowa. First they purged the voter rolls. Then they denied people from voting at the polls on Election Day. Then they issued them worthless “Provisional Ballots” that were immediately recycled before they could be counted.
Problem is, you see, that these constituencies tend to vote Democratic, and the Satan-Cthulu ticket just couldn’t allow that.
So as a reward for keeping Satan in power for at least another four years, Gonzo Alberto, Kyle Sampson, and Monica fired a real attorney, Bud Cummins, down in Little Rock, and installed…yep, you guessed it, Kustom Karl’s Ku Klux Kommando, Timothy Griffin, as the new U.S. Attorney for Arkansas.
Why? Seems there’s another one of them pesky election-thingies coming up in 2008, and although Razorback country tends to vote for the Brown Shirt Party, they just might reconsider because homegirl Hillary Clinton is vying for the electoral college votes below the Ozarks. Other U.S. Attorneys have been posted to stand sentinel to make sure the 2008 Election is conducted fairly all across these United Swing States, as you know.
But never fear: Justice is now going to probe itself (sounds like a Hustler layout, I know) and find out if anybody did anything wrong. Our faith in the system will be restored.
Don’t you feel better now? There, there, you can go back to “American Idle.” Oh, that’s a done deal? Well, get ready for a whole mess o’ Reruns until January 20, 2009.