Most people cannot understand the concept of greenhouse gases because when a human being looks at the moon and the sun and the stars the earth’s sky has no ceiling. Sealing wax is a combination of resin and turpentine used for sealing letters and dry cells. It is hard at normal temperatures but softens when heated. Since the earth has no ceiling people reason that smokestack gases and car exhaust fumes just fly off into the infinite and vast expanse of outer space and so what’s the problem? Yesterday at a Town Hall meeting in Waterloo, Iowa, Republican Presidential Candidate Rudy Giuliani set the record straight on global warming and introduced a brilliant and revolutionary solution to save life on earth in his first term in office. Here is what Rudy Giuliani said to the people of Waterloo, Iowa, yesterday:
Rudy Giuliani: “9/11, 9/11. What a hit job. They tried to do to me what they did to Sonny Corleone. This has taken a huge toll on my new mistress, according to her security detail. The NYPD is spending so much money protecting people connected to me now that my campaign contributors are asking for protection. I told them, ‘There are no money back guarantees and I told you that going in. This whole security thing is much ado about nothing, just like global warming. In actuality the earth’s sky does have a ceiling but you cannot see it when standing on the earth’s surface. You can only see it when you look at the earth’s blue sky from the international space station and then you can see where the earth’s ceiling meets the black sky of cold space. That is the ceiling of the earth’s blue sky. In my first term in office I intend to send couple construction guys up to the international space station to drill a hole in the ceiling of the earth’s sky to let the greenhouse gases escape. Budda Bing Budda Bang forget about it.”
At that point Mrs. Mildred R. Crabsnapple of Spirit Lake, Iowa asked Rudy Giuliani, “Mayor Giuliani, According to Henry M. Paulson Jr., the Secretary of the U.S. Treaury Department, our $10 trillion debt is like a ticking time bomb about to blow our economy into the dirt permanently, and there will be no money for social security, health care or education. How do you plan to solve that problem?”
Rudy Giuliani replied, “Hi Mildred it’s great to see you. How’s your daughter Donna doing? Security O.K.? Social Security. I have a holistic plan. By conquering Iraq and Iran by whatever means it takes, I will add $60 trillion dollars to our coffers immediately, end Islamic Terrorism, bring peace and democracy to the Middle East, cover the cost of sky drilling equipment, and reimburse the NYPD and the Secret Service for my past and future indiscretions. You happy now Mildred?”
Mildred R. Crabsnapple: “Mayor Giuliani. Russia and China helped tiny North Vietnam defeat the United States. Russia and China have now formed a strategic military alliance together and with Iran. Russia and China just played war games together. Russia has built Iran a nuclear reactor in Bushehr, Iran and is now delivering the nuclear fuel to Iran. Vladimir Putin has warned the Russian people that the U.S. is coming to conquer Russia and steal their oil. Vladimir Putin also warned the United States that President Bush has created a new Cuban Missile Crisis by stationing American missiles in Poland, the Czech Republic and Taiwan. How do you plan on defeating the combined forces of Russia, China, Iraq and Iran in order to conquer the Middle East oil?”
Rudy Giuliani: “Mildred I’d love to tell you but it’s a matter of security.”
Mildred R. Crabsnapple: “Mayor Giuliani don’t give me that evasive politician security double speak. I asked you a serious question. How do you intend to defeat Russia, China, Iraq and Iran in order to conquer the Middle East oil?”
Rudy Giuliani: “Mildred, that question has been asked and answered. I would suggest that you sit down now. Do you understand the meaning of the word ‘taser’? Now don’t make me get rough with you Mildred. You won’t be the first grandmother I’ve tased. Any more questions?”
At this point Mildred R. Crabsnapple was gently escorted from the Hall by Mayor Giuiani’s security detail. Rudy Giuliani then gently escorted his wife Judy from the Hall, to the chants of “Rudy, Rudy, Rudy”.
