Article: ALL These People Scare Me

Not to rip off Alaska Democratic presidential hopeful Mike Gravel, but ALL these people scare me. Every one of them. Past, present, and future. I'm not even sure where to start, and there certainly doesn't seem to be any end to it.

So let's start at the most recent. Alberto "I don't recall" Gonzales. This column is written after the painful and enraging experience of having to sit through yet another of his visits to political Alzheimers land. Perhaps it's because he wasn't on the stage with all those nice aging white guys at the recent republi-CON presidential hopefuls' debate. They were all worshipping at the grave of Ronald Reagan, and poor Mr. Torture didn't have a good excuse to go join them (heaven forbid he ever considers running for president). So I guess he decided to do the next best thing, being the good, loyal (Bushie) republi-CON that he is. He invoked the Alzheimers god in St. Ronnie's honor. After all, thanks to Nancy Reagan's campaign for stem cell research to benefit the battle against Alzheimers disease, that's one of the major things for which the late GOP deity will be best remembered. Ironic, isn't it? Good job, Alberto! You kept on not remembering anything. In fact, there were at least two Democratic Congresswomen who wanted to know not only if you remembered squat, but whether you even knew squat. Okay, fine. Next.

Let's try the Snow White Ten Dwarves, as long as we just revisited the Reagan memorial airplane hanger in Simi Valley, California. I guess I better. They do qualify as people who scare me. Ten little idiots with major testosterone issues, no less. Who would out-macho the others? Who'd be first to pick a fight with Iran? Who'd be first to pick a fight with the female reproductive system? Who was more conservative than thou? Who'd let businesses fire gays the quickest? Who'd be first to dig up the body of Charles Darwin so he could be posthumously burned at the stake? Who'd look best wearing the crown of Mr. 9/11 America? Who could text message the Almighty the fastest – and on His private cell phone, to boot? Who would be the next anointed one? Oh, fabulous! Six-and-a-half years, so far, of violent, bloodthirsty, cold-hearted, closed-minded, scheming, greedy, deceitful, imperialistic crap that's already a PROVEN failure, and what this country really needs is MORE of it! Only just harder, bloodier, more ruthless, more ferocious, and definitely sneakier so we get away with it all next time!

Scary stuff indeed. But it can also be incoming. Funny about that other guy who seemed to scare all ten of them. Not Chris Matthews or the other two nerds asking questions, but rather the GOP's very own answer to Harry Potter's Lord Voldemort – "He Who Must Not Be Named". After all, that particular guy once made a lot of hay out of proclaiming how he, too, was anointed by God.

George W. Bush was the one individual who evidently scared the bejeezus out of everybody under the wings of the old Air Force One – and then some. They dared not even mention him, even though they all aspire to follow in his footsteps – quite literally, policy-wise. Nice legacy you're working up there, Junior! I'd be scared of Young George, too. Actually, I still am. There's still a lot of damage he and his short, stubby friend Dick can do to screw what's left of our democracy before their political Viagra prescriptions expire. Even as this column is written, according to the L.A. Times and Daily Kos, Bush has signed a new executive order authorizing contingency plans to be developed in the event of a "decapitating" attack on the federal government. It's to be run by the White House instead of FEMA or the Department of Homeland Security – curiously enough, two entities still beholden to Congressional oversight. Hmmm... the White House is anticipating another national emergency? One that they'd rather handle themselves, behind closed doors where no one can see what they're up to, which cronies they're appointing to the task, and which of our remaining rights and freedoms they're preempting? You know, those freedoms that almost 35-HUNDRED of our troops have been sent to their deaths to defend? Did we say scary?