"I never thought that when Ann Coulter came out, I would have to move to the right. But I did." That is the only thing George Carlin said to Ann Coulter after she took his chair and he moved to the couch on "the Tonight Show with Jay Leno." Forget all the build-up and hype about how Coulter was finally going to face a real liberal who could chew her up and spit her out in a New York second. Coulter made bodacious claims while Carlin kept quiet and Jay Leno acted afraid that Coulter was going to throw one of her infamous tantrums and pull out a dominatrix whip.
Maybe there are some who like being "beat and humiliated by a hottie" who "teases, emasculates and humiliates losers." Bound and gagged losers, I might add, judging by those who have interviewed Coulter on TV. You acted that way, George, because all the time Coulter was emasculating and humiliating liberals, you just sit silently on the couch like a fixed, formerly feisty terrier scared to whimper. Hell, George, Ed McMahon would have whelped more than you did if someone had been castrating basic American values like Coulter does.
Let's face it, George. You pulled down your pants, handed Coulter a bar of soap and reached for your ankles while Coulter strapped on a big Nazi dildo and stuck it to you. Isn't that the way you talk during your comedy routines, George? Since you have for decades been one of my idols, I figure you won't mind me telling you that not only did you get royally screwed last night, you screwed over every one of us looking to you as our champion and knight in white armor. You were up against Mammon's witch and you didn't even pull out your sword of satire to defend honor, integrity and truth. What kind of liberal are you?
Excuse me, but I know you can handle the frank talk. You are a celebrity who has made a big name off boldness of mouth. You get to go on the Tonight Show 140 times. I'm a schmuck in the country with a computer and internet connection who's lucky to stay awake to watch the Tonight Show, much less 140 times. Get it, George? You were speaking for us. Or should I say that you were shutting up for us? Do you still claim to speak truth to power or do you now grovel when told to roll over?
You looked like a complete and total sell out. You had the chance to challenge Coulter's lies and all you did was nudge her on the arm and joke about moving to the right. Little did you know how true your words are.
What was the matter, George, did Leno ask you to control your mouth? You did. Coulter didn't control hers. Or was it your publicist who told you to avoid controversy because it might hurt revenues of your newest movie "Cars?" For whatever, reason, George, you played right along with the set-up. You sat right there and let Coulter pull off your liberal balls with her fangs and you acted like an altar boy afraid to sin even in thought.
Leno's people pitched the show left and right to build up the suspense. Then on show night Leno made a few jokes at both liberals' and conservatives' expense to show that he is fair and balanced. Hell, Leno even praised you as a genius, George. Which, by the way, I have always thought you are. Let's face it. You have been an inspirational idol for tens of millions of liberals. Make that hundreds of millions if not billions.
But you just limply sit there. You might as well have lied down and let out a long, stinking fart for all the good you did. In fact, letting out a big stinker would at least have shown some cajones on your part. As it was, you looked too tight to breathe. Were you hoping that if you were really nice to Coulter that she would shoot you a beaver a la Stone?
Surely you wanted to say something. Like when Coulter said that she has never had sex with a liberal. Surely, with your quick mind, you could have asked the allegedly Godful Coulter what is the proper term Christians use to describe an unmarried person who has sex. Damn if a lot of conservative Christians don't think it very liberal to be having premarital sex.
Or certainly you could barely contain yourself when Coulter claimed global warming is a religion being taught to children. But you didn't even make an outraged face, George. You know, one of those faces you expressively and effectively make during your monologues when you rant about what frigging morons conservatives are. All you did, George, was lend credence to the conservative claims that what Coulter says must be true because no one - not even the great liberal George Carlin - dares call Coulter on her sh*t. Thanks a bunch, George, for having carried the colors and standards of liberals onto the field and promptly shoving them under the couch and sitting on them.
Some might try to defend you by saying that you are getting old. That sure didn't stop you from doing that long and silly spill that goes like "I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free, a diversified multi-cultural post-modern deconstructionist, politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect."
Still being able to extemporaneously expel all that word salad shows that you are not senile. But, you know, George, your word salads have got a hell of a lot of flash but not too much substance any more. Really, after last night, I've started seeing them as a form of mental masturbation and am beginning to wonder if you have become a jerk-off in your golden years.
Once upon a time you wouldn't have held your tongue. Maybe now you have moved to the right and are content to be a rich old couch potato who is glad to occasionally perform word salad masturbation. But believe me when I tell you that I will have a very, very hard time ever again listening to, much less taking seriously, any of your political commentary. After last night, you have got some serious explaining to do about why you passed up the opportunity to stand for what is right and call Coulter on her witches' brew of bullshit and lies.
As a lot of your stuff is starting to sound the same, maybe you can start a new monologue about what it feels like to have Coulter's spiked heels kicking your ass while America watched on in disappointment and dismay as you silently sit there not wanting to rock the boat. George, you may never know how much it hurts to write this to you but if there is one thing I've learned in watching you over all the years is that no punches need to be pulled when it comes to sell outs.
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