Article: READY OR NOT, HERE WE COME

At long last, General Pace, have you no conscience? You as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff should know that there are American troops in harm's way. And, no, I don't mean that they are under the command of this president. It's that stoo-pid report of yours that says because of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan there is a significant risk that the U.S. military won't be able to fully respond to another crisis. Report, schmort. Didn't you get the memo? The Vice President just had a friend who traveled from Baghdad to Basra and "found the situation dramatically improved from a year or so ago." Perhaps, instead of issuing reports that sound like they were dictated by bin Laden you should have read the headline this morning. 23 Killed in Attack. Cheney OK.
Did you read that? Cheney was okay. And that was only 14 nameless deaths. Christ, General, over 3100 hundred of our soldiers have died in Iraq and the Vice President is still okay. If the Vice President can survive with that kind of carnage why would a lack of readiness be any less progressable? Really, sir, how the hell is your report going to create any fear in the next country we're going to invade? Iran. North Korea. Granada. Pick one. Now they'll think we're just warmongering out of our ass. And what makes you think war readiness has anything to do with how ready we are to fight a war? They're only words, sir. Words aren't worth diddly if you don't say them. If they're not worth saying then you don't say them. It's like saying that, in some way, the Veterans benefits the Republican congress had spent years cutting had some negative effect on Walter Reed Hospital's treatment of our wounded and sick. Like rats read committee reports. You, above all people, should know that admitting that our military is weakening plays right into Al Quaeda's hands? It's like that Pelosi fella. Not questioning her patriotism, you know. Just her judgement...in how she chooses to subvert the country. I sure hope Tony Snow will step in today to tell us how what you reported is a good thing. You know, like the British pull out being a sign that conditions are improving. Let's try this one on... "The President welcomes the report, but until the Libby trial is over, you understand that he cannot comment on the specifics of it except to say what General Pace meant was that you in the media can fight all the hypothetical wars you want but it's the real wars this president is concerned with and, if you didn't notice, we're in the middle of one right now and anything less than victory is unacceptable, unless you think that somehow losing this war is preferable to winning it and have not stopped beating your wife. That's why... Hey, Helen! Look, a cow!" See how it's done, General? It doesn't matter how bad the facts "on the ground" are, it's how you say they aren't. Unless, of course, you don't want to be a Fox News expert when you retire. Award-winning TV Comedy Writer Steve Young is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" and his weekly column appears in the LA Daily News Sunday Opinion page...to the left of O'Reilly's...really. And if you want to overdose on Steve, click here for :Steve's Latest Blatant Infomercial.