(Hollywood, 5/27/08) On Thursday, The Lord God repudiated the prayers and adulation of the Rev. John Hagee after learning about a sermon in which the megachurch pastor from San Antonio declared that He allowed the rise of Adolf Hitler because it resulted in returning Israel to the Jewish people.
"To tell you the truth, I am embarrassed," said the red-faced Jehovah. "I'm pretty much all-knowing, yet I missed the Hitler comment completely. I have long accepted sinners into my flock, but some people just go over the line."
The Almighty's decision to distance himself from Hagee came after months of mounting criticism, particularly from Roman Catholics, over His acceptance of Hagee's endorsement for the past forty years. Hagee has called the Catholic Church a "false religious system" and a "false cult system" and has suggested that the church played a role in the Holocaust.
"Look, people hang a lot of names on me - Lord, Yahweh, Allah, Lord,Shangdi, Akal Purakh," said The King of Kings. "My name has been used in vain and in bed. I've been blamed for earthquakes, tidal waves and that Hilton girl. I'm shocked I don't get heat about oil prices. I take it all in and pretty much accept it, but, for My-sakes, saying I sent Hitler to annihilate an entire generation of My people so they could have someplace to live? C'mon. I'm God. If I was going to do that, wouldn't I have just zapped them over to the Middle East without first whacking six million of my children? And I really think I could come up with a better location than a dried out piece of sand with enemies on every side of them. I'm God, not an inept real estate agent."
"And while I'm at it, any of these holier than Me snake oil pitchmen, including this Reverend Wright guy, who tell you what I think, are no more intuitive than any Moslem or Hindu, black or white, rich or poor, powerful or indigent, and for that matter, religious or atheist," said an obviously ticked-off Lord and Savior. "Those who get rich telling you of My word just get on My nerves."
"But what burns My butt most of all is when there's an attempt to make these guys a credible issue in selecting a President. Come on, folks. I created you to be better than that."
"However, if you're thinking of changes, a shorter primary season would be really swell," He added. "Now go forth and multiply, because you seem to be better at that than anything else."
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Award-winning TV writer, Steve Young, is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (www.greatfailure.com) and his "All The News Fit To Spoof" appears every Sunday in the LA Daily News oped section (www.dailynews.com/columnists)
