President Bush shocked the international community this week by encouraging world leaders to start "choking their chickens" to fight the deadly Avian Flu. The remarks were made at a Houston fundraiser benefiting the group Washington Aid for Systematic People, sponsored by some rich Texan with a lot of cattle.
"I really don't see how I ---as leader of the greatest nation on earth, which does have the greatest chickens----even I cannot ignore the egg that has been laid. I will answer the clucks. They are due for slaughter anyway, but this time we won't bar-b-que them. No. No matter how great our homegrown hens taste, they are sick and don't feel too good. Not good enough to eat. So it's undeniable. I have been telling Laura for weeks now that it is time to get those wrists warmed-up for the 'ole grab and twist, but she doesn't want to face up to reality. She likes to eat 'em down to the bone."
In a move to secure itself as a leading international choker of chickens, China is mass producing vast quantities of a generic cooking oil. According to one anonymous fourteen-year old boy in Xian, it provides excellent maneuverability but leaves behind terrible stains. However, the country seems undaunted by the clean-up prospects. Before his weekly ping pong game with death row inmates, Chinese President Hu Jintao said: "America always say it has the biggest chickens, but our chickens are just as big, if not bigger. A Chinese bird can also threaten the global horizon---just like an egg roll in the sun. Our country produce many movies that show the actual size of our chickens, so just you watch. Just you watch! But don't watch if you are Chinese or I put you in jail!" A cast covered Jintao's right hand, but he still tossed his own balls and chicken-free salad for lunch.
When asked if he was scared of catching the Avian Flu, President Bush shrugged. "I told you people that I would gladly answer any questions you had about that bird flu. But I don't know shinola about this...this new flu caused by Evian. The twins drink a lot of that stuff. Me, I stick to good 'ole tap water. Secretary of State Rice will have to fill me in on that. She's my SOS on the streets, you know. But I can't have her in the same room with me trying to learn me up on another flu when I am trying to prevent a hendemic---it is hard to choke a chicken when she is around."
Later that day, one of the Bush twins was spotted entering the Oval Office with a bucket of KFC Original Recipe and a twelve-pack. The White House officially declined comment, but sources report that both twins have been "doing their part" by stocking up on Vaseline.
Tara Parks, 33, is a writer living in Chattanooga, Tennessee. For the last eight years, she lived in NYC and before that she spent time in Miami, Chicago, London, Bermuda and L.A. She loves to to travel and will be going on a tour of Europe in May. In June, she moves back to Chicago, where she and her business partner are launching The Kama Sutra Coloring Book. She enjoys politics, history, comedy, theatre and art.
