(A Satire)
By James Boyne
After two nights of speeches designed to scare us and make us want to hunker down for the impending "war on terrorism" (which Bush flip-flopped on and admitted "we can not win) we should all be psyched up for the next attack.
But why wait? There is so much to do. There are so many other nations we can attack where the evildoers are plotting. And we must get them first. Even Arnold Schwarzzeneger said that terrorism was just like Communism. It's the famous "domino theory" of the 1960's all over again. We must mobilize and get on a war footing. The draft will be necessary. An increase in military spending to $700 billion a year would help. The ability to fight a three front terrorism war is a necessity. Machine guns and anti-aircraft batteries installed every one-half mile all along the East Coast will be effective.
We need to be frightened. We need to be afraid to be effective, powerful, strong, and protected. Even Laura Bush said in her speech at the Republican Convention that we should tell our little children that we are safe because the "military and the intelligence services" are here to protect us. Yes, our little ones need to know that. I will tell my little ones tonight after I read them "My Pet Goat" that Laura says we are safe because of our "military and our intelligence services". My little ones will sleep tight.
And we all must sacrifice. If you lose your job, you are a patriot. Times are tough. If you are out of work you will be given a medal for doing your patriotic duty of getting "canned". We have 9 million unemployed patriots officially counted who are not working and another 11 million patriotic Americans who are long term unemployed. And million more to come---maybe even you. Yes, Bush would have you believe he is one of you. He feels your pain. We are turning the corner. Smile. Be Happy. We are safe----with Bush.
We need to buy "war bonds" like we did in WW II. We can have "Bush War Bonds" with Bush's portrait on them. They can finance the $5 trillion we will need to wrap this up in 25 years. We need to ration butter, sugar, copper, tin and oil like we did in WW II.
We need to take out Pakistan before General Musharaff is overthrow and radical Muslims take over and launch the 7 nukes they have at India or at us. Pakistan is undoubtedly where Osama Bin Laden is hiding----in the lawless area. We can parachute in and whip a little law on them. They are organized into tribes and clans, and thrive on revenge. There like Americans in a way----they love a good fight. Let's go get 'em. Send in the Marines. Send in the 101st Airborne. Send in the Reserves, the Reserve Reserves, the National Guard, the Boy Scouts, the Cadets. Let's go.
The Draft? Let's draft Arnold . Let's draft Rudy. Let's draft the Bush twins. Let's draft the whole Bush clan, the whole Cheney clan. Let's draft all the right-wing conservative Republicans and lets go get 'em. Let's get the K-9 dogs, set some prisons up and put Lynndie England in charge of the terrorist prison camps. Let's get them damn terrorists naked and git some dog leashes on 'em again. Let's go get 'em and lock dem terrorists all up and throw the key away. I'm ready. Limbs or no limbs. Give me freedom from terror or give me death. We are under attack. Everyday. In Everyway. All the time. Night and Day. Get the flag and let's go. It's now or never. Full speed ahead. Don't look back. Balls to the wall. Rudy, Arnold, McCainie Georgie, Dickie, Laura----lead the charge. Let the blood and guts fly. Let's warm up some H-Bombs and give 'em a little demo in the middle of their desert. God, I'm getting excited just thinking about it. Let's go terminate terrorism. Arnold , just lead the charge. This ain't a movie set. Let's go.
Well Americans. Are we with our leaders? What? You don't have health insurance because you can't afford an $8000 policy. Be a patriot. Suck it up. 50 million other Americans don't have health insurance. Bush will save you. You will get a special "health care savings account" that you can buy a policy with and not even have to pay any taxes on. Wow. Just think; you may be able to get an $8000 policy and get $1000 back in a tax refund. When? Congress works slow, so maybe by the year 2008. Maybe by 2015. By then a family policy will cost $14,000 a year. Medicare prescription coverage took 30 years to pass and it gave most of the $550 billion cost to the drug companies.
Terror is more important. Be afraid, but feel safe because Bush is at the helm.
Education?. No child will be left behind. Every child will graduate, grow up, be drafted for the 50 year war on terror, and go off to fight in a foreign land to protect America . College? College is for rich sissies. We are Americans. We fight.
Why should we fight? Because a mayor told us to. Mayor who? A mayor who has made tens of millions of dollars off the fact that terrorists attacked us on 9/11.
Why should we fight? Because a movie actor told us to. What movie actor? A movie actor who makes $60 million for a movie showing how, with special effects, he is more powerful than Superman.
Why should we fight? Because a former elementary school librarian who married the son of a former President (who became President himself) told us to. She has a keen intellect for all things military. She is surely headed for a position on the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Why should we fight? Because Senator Doctor Bill Frist says so. Why should we fight? Because Senator Hassert says so. Who are they? Who the hell knows. They'll lead us into the flying bullets, the rocket propelled grenades, the car bombs, the terrorist beheaders. And Colin Powell? He'll be there. I know it. I just know it. He'll be there to lead us into battle. And Paul Wolfowitz. And Carl Rove. What a fighting team! ! Let's go.
The Republican Congressmen, the Republican Senators, the so-called NASCAR dads, the right-wing conservatives, the far-right conservations, the right-right-right conservatives, Billy Graham, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker, James Baker, George H.W.Bush Sr.-----let's all go. I'm a ready. Lead the way. Man the battle stations. Woman the battle stations.
Wait. There's more people who want to join the cause. Right now on my TV Zell Miller is hootin' and hollerin and beating the war drums. He's got the convention delegates worked into a frenzy. Zell Miller. Who's he. Some Georgia Democrat who hated George Bush Sr. in 1992 and raged against him. Now he loves George Jr. in 2004 and is delivering a speech that even Hitler would have been proud of. Zell lost his calling. He should have been a preacher. What a speaker!. I know Zell will lead the charge. He's all worked up in a frenzy. Let's go Zell, I'm right behind you. Let's go liberate someone. God, I love this.
Let's go kick some ass. Let's go liberate. Let's go level some villages. Cut some ears off. Rip their hearts out. Lets go ravage their women. Let's go and get some pay back. Let's Agent Orange them terrorists, wherever they are, whoever they are. We'll sort it all out later. We did it in Vietnam . We kicked some butt. We can do it again. Let's go. Sons, fathers, daughters, nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters----let's go get Saddam. (Whoops! Forgot! We already captured Saddam and he's doing hard time right now painting, gardening and writing poetry).
Let's go get Osama Bin Laden and submit him to the same fate. Make him do gardening and poetry for the rest of his life in an orange jump suit. We'll get 'em naked and put him on a dog leash. It's the American way.
Wait? Mrs. Cheney is speaking right now as I type this. She's in a nice red dress. She says lets go. She has two daughters---a normal one with four kids and a lesbian one with a girlfriend lover. Mrs. Cheney has grandkids. They are safe because Laura says our military and our intelligence services are protecting us as we sleep. I'm ready. I'm with the Cheney's. Let's go. Throw the kids in the car and lets go liberate some Muslims. Some Arabs. If we can't liberate them, we'll kill 'em, we'll smoke 'em out, we'll bring 'em back dead or alive. Yes, I'm with Zell and the Cheneys. Let's go liberate. Long live 9/11, even if all the 19 hijackers are in heaven. We'll go to heaven and get 'em and kill the hell out of 'em.
Why should we fight? Because our President says to. What President? The President who was a hero from the Texas and Alabama Air National Gurard. The President who was a partier, a drinker, a drug user and who is now our President----a President who is so intellectual that he can barely get the words out of his mouth to form a coherent sentence. Yes, we must fight. We must go on the attack. This is bigger than we think. We have the whole Arab world, the whole Middle East, the entire Far East to fight.
Who should we fight? The choices are endless---Iran. We can re-install the Shah of Iran's son. He lives right here in the good old USA. Cuba? Fidel has been a thorn in our side for 50 years. He'll never die. We could have another Bay of Pigs. We can do it. Arnold can lead the charge. North Korea? A dangerous, closed society. They'll never starve to death on their own. We can sneak attack them, from Japan. North Koreans have nukes. Their fired up and ready to use them. It doesn't matter that the USSR had 40,000 nukes and never used them. The North Koreans have 4 nukes. If they shot one off it could land in Wyoming.
Egypt is dangerous. Syria is sneaky. Lebanon is a haven for terrorists. Libya is deceptive. Indonesia is a hotbed of radicalism. Pakistan is on the verge of turmoil. Then there is the problem of Kurdistan, Ubekistan, Kadistan, Checknya, Uradistan, and Youbetchyoucan. They are all mountainous regions bordering the old USSR. They are infested with people wearing headscarves and robes and burkas. They aren't even Christians. They are the terrorists. They will attack us by the millions on their donkey carts and land on our shores charging off their canoes on their mules.
This is why we need Bush. We need President to be strong, decisive, resolute, unbending and tough. We need our mayor to be strong, patriotic, tough on terrorism, and rich. We need our action hero actors to come to life----to be real----and rich. We need Arnold. He can save us. He's the terminator. It's good he left Austria and came to America to be a body builder to get big muscles so he could become Governor. He will protect the President if the evildoers try to get the President----just like in the comic books. We need our former elementary school librarians (the ones fortunate enough to have married a President) to get involved. They have a keen intellect for battle strategies and military campaigns and intelligence spy networks.
Our strategy is in place. We are ready to go. Arnold, Mayor Rudy and the Bush twins can lead the charge. Let's go get 'em. It's us against the world. And to all you immigrants. You are welcome here. Come one. Come all. Our shores and our borders are open. This is America. We need you. We are you. We are a nation of immigrants. We need your dreams. We need you to overwhelm our health care system, our educational system. We need you as a source of cheap labor. Help us. And we will help you-----to be free. We are all Republicans----and Americans.
We are America. The land of free and the home of the nuts.
James Boyne
James Boyne has a number of other articles on opednews.com at the following link
