Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging about their children.
The first one says, " You know my son, he graduated first in his
class from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in
Chicago"
The second woman says, "You know my son,
he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making
half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "you know my son, he
never did too well is school, he never went to any university but he now
makes 1
million dollars a Year in New York working as a sports repairman"
The other two women ask "Vos is a sports
repairman?"
The Bubbe replies, "He fixes hockey games,
football games, baseball games,....."
Mood swing
solution
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns blue.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe he'll buy me a diamond next time.
(website founder Rob Kall invented a high tech mood ring 25 years ago.
Sherry lost her husband almost four
years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her
daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately
replies,"Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it's an immediate
hit. They really like one another and after Dating for six weeks,
he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.
Their first night there, she
undresses as does he. There she stands nude except for a pair of
black lacy panties, while he is in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks,
"Why the black panties?"
She replies,"My breasts you
can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am
still in mourning."
The following night the same
scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he
is in his birthday suit...except that he has a black condom over his
erection.
She looks at him and asks,
"What's with the black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer
my deepest condolences.
If
you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD!Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks... Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless! A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd.
"You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know jack-sh*t about my business. .....Now give me back my dog." I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for three years, we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in everyway, my friends
encouraged me, and my fiance'e? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law
to be. She was a smart, confident career woman, but most of all she was
unbelievably sexy. She often openly flirted with me, which piqued my
curiosity and made me quite uncomfortable at the same time.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to review the wedding
invitations. When I got there, I realized she was alone.
As we looked at the invitations, she whispered in my ear: "Soon you
will be married, but you must know that I have feelings for you that I can
no longer ignore. Before you commit your life to my daughter, please make
love to me just once". I was in total shock .... what could I say?
As I sat there dumbfounded she said: "I'll go to the bedroom, and if
you share my yearnings, just come up and take me." Still dazed, I watched
her magnificent form as she wisped up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do, and then turned
around and went to the front door. Slowly, I opened it, and stepped out of
the house......
Amazingly, her husband was standing outside.. With tears in his eyes, he
hugged me and said: "We are so happy. You have passed our little test.
We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to
the family."
I will never forget the day I earned the trust of my in-laws, nor the
valuable life lesson I learned on the front steps of my wife's
childhood home. Always....................
...
.....
........
always, always, always, keep your condoms in your car.
A
104 year-old woman was being interviewed by a reporter.
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked.
"No peer pressure" she responded.
To the Rocks in my Life
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the
table in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up
a very large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with
rocks, about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it
was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the
open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it
was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
with
an unanimous "Yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table
and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar --
effectively filling the empty space between the sand.. The students
laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The rocks are the important things -- your family, your partner,
your health, your children -- things that if everything else was
lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter -- like your job, your
house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,
"there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes
for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small
stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to
you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out
dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house,
give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks
first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The
rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer
represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show
you that no matter how full your life may seem, there is always room
for a couple of beers."
"Please make it a nice day for someone - and
have a nice day yourself"
It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies:
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians or Americans.
>CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
