The O'Reilly Sphincter Factor; WE DERIDE, YOU DECIDE
by Stan Sinberg a satire
"This is Bill O'Reilly, and tonight my guests on 'The O'Reilly Sphincter - er, FACTOR,' are Sean Hannity, Britt Hume, Ann Coulter, and Al Franken."
"Thanks, Bill, for having m-"
"Al, just SHUT UP, OK? Just SHUT UP!
"Now, at the Democratic National Convention, John Edwards said, 'HOPE is on the way,' while John Kerry said, 'HELP is on the way.' So which is it - hope or help? To me, this is yet another obvious example of Kerry flip-flopping and being indecisive. He couldn't decide between 'hope is on the way' or 'help is on the way' so he decided - once again - to have it both ways. So Edwards said 'hope' and Kerry said 'help.' It shows the Democrats can't be counted on to make the tough choices that are necessary in our post-9/11 world. Britt?"
"My feeling is it shows the Democrats trying to be all things to all people. They're trying to appeal to both the 'hope' demographic and the 'help' demographic, but budget constraints won't let them be able to afford to make good on both 'hope' and 'help' being on the way."
"Sean, what's your take?"
"I think it shows the total meltdown between John Edwards and John Kerry. Kerry told Edwards to say 'help' but Edwards decided to be insubordinate, so he said 'hope.' These two obviously aren't on the same page, and I heard a rumor - which means it's as good as true - that after the speech, Teresa Heinz Kerry told Edwards to 'Take your hope and shove it.'"
"Ann Coulter?"
"DID YOU SEE HOW
USA
TODAY CENSORED MY COLUMN? IT'S OUTRAGEOUS! IT'S LIKE BEING IN THE
SOVIET
UNION
DURING STALIN!"
"Ann, they killed your column because you called it the 'Spawn of Satan' convention, charged Democrats are constantly suing and slandering police as violent, fascist racists, and accused delegates of sporting shirts with 'the F word' on them, for starte- ."
"Al, just SHUT UP, OK? Just SHUT UP! Now, I want to get back to this 'hope' and 'help' thing, because there's a HUGE difference between the two. 'Hope' is saying 'there's pie in the sky.' 'Help' is saying 'We're getting you pie.' So which is it, Democrats? Pie in the sky, or pie? And until you know what you're talking about, you should just shut your pie-hole!"
"Didn't Woody Allen once say 'Help is the thing with feathers?'"
"I think that was 'hope,' Sean."
"No, I believe it was 'help.' In any case, it's important, because it shows you can blow their entire platform over with a feather!"
"Hey, wasn't my 'pie-hole' comment brilliant? Say, this might be a good time to mention that due to a recent hubbub, we've changed our motto from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'We've got "news" for you, pal: LIFE isn't fair.' And our new slogan is 'We Prevaricate, You Regurgitate.'"
"You know, this convention just proved what a bunch of sick perverts the Democrats are. I couldn't believe it when I heard the Reverend Al Sharpton say he wants to ride Don King as far as he'll take him. That's -"
"Ann -"
"That's promoting the homosexual agenda AND being blasphemous at the same time. It's -"
"Ann - "
"Not to mention racist and -"
"ANN! He was riding a DONKEY. Not Don King. A donkey."
"A donkey? Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's even sicker! That's bestiality! The Democrats should be taken out and sh-"
"Ann, the donkey is the symbol of the Democratic Party.'
"Al, just SHUT UP, OK? Just SHUT UP!"
"And then they have the NERVE to have that terrorist Obama speak in front of the convention, while we've been trying to find him."
"That's 'Osama' we're trying to find, Ann. Not 'Obama.'"
"Osama, Obama, toMAYto, toMAHto. Look it's easy to see that the difference between Osama and Obama is just 'BS.'"
"We're out of time. This has been another extremely informative and intelligent episode of 'The O'Reilly Sphincter - er, FACTOR'."
Stan Sinberg stan@stansinberg.com is an award-winning columnist, feature writer and radio commentator. www.stansinberg.com
