"Ask" The President, A Satire?
By Anthony Wade
OpEdNews.com
To continue to display transparency, our president, George W. Bush hosted another successful "Ask the President" session, below is the transcript.
Bush: Thank you all, thank you (applause moving into chants of "four more years"). Thank you.
(Crowd relents).
Bush: I want to thank you all for coming. I want to thank you all for supporting me for the past four years and for coming today for some honest conversation about the next four years (smirks). I want to thank Laura for, well, ehh, for being such a great First Lady. I also want to thank a man I trust implicitly, even with all war games preparations, Dick Cheney (crowd erupts), yes that's right lets hear it for Dick. Who couldn't stand for another four years of Dick? He is so much more to me than just a Vice President. He is a part of me. I couldn't fathom another four years without a little Dick in me. I know that a lot of folks question his allegiances because he was such a successful businessman, but those folks are just pessimistic. They can't understand that government and business can work together. They say that Dick lied about his deferred compensation from Halliburton. Nonsense! Dick earned that money and more importantly, he made a decision four years ago to accept it. Do you understand that folks? He made a decision. When Dick or I make a decision, there is one thing you can count on WE WON'T CHANGE OUR MINDS CUZ OF SOME OPINION POLL!
(Chants of "flip-flop" erupt).
Bush: No, sir I can tell you because I know the soul of Dick Cheney. It is made of tempered steel. He will not back down in his decisions. That is what we need in Washington, not someone who shifts with the wind, or bases his decisions on public opinion. You just need someone with the vision of a Dick Cheney to see that. Let's hear it some more for Dick!
(Crowd starts chanting "we love Dick").
Bush: Ok, that's enough about Dick, I want to move into the vision I have for this great country if God blesses me as he told me he would by having y'all vote for me again. I want to talk first about the most important problem facing our country today, the War on Terror
(Chilling organ music heard in the background).
Bush: I want you all to know that I will protect this country at every turn from these evil-doing evil doers. They are just evil, ya know? I don't understand why some folks don't see that. They hate us you know. They hate us for our freedoms. They hate us because we have what they don't which is freedom. We all had to learn a hard lesson on September the 11th. Hard lesson for us to learn. I never again will allow an attack on our soil, by making sure we take the fight to "them". They will learn. We will never turn back, never concede. We will smoke em out of their holes. We will get them-a-running. That is why I invaded Iraq . There is a lot of holes in Iraq . It is a rocky desert, ya know? So, logically, where else would they be hiding? We found Saddam in a hole if you remember?
(Crowd murmurs in agreement "that's right").
Bush: I learned from that lesson to recognize that these terrorist, they hide in holes and we must be vigilant to smoke em out of them holes. That is how you fight this war, that is how you win this war. Iraq is now heading toward a free society. Are there going to be casualties, sure! What war has not had casualties? But look at WWII, how many died there? We have waged a sensitive" wait, that's not the word, careful; yes we have waged a careful war. Because of our actions, Iraq had athletes competing in the Olympics, for the first time in four years! Yes, in Iraq "Freedom is on the march!
(Chants of "four more wars", erupts).
Bush: Then you have the blame America first crowd talking about Afghanistan , trying to downplay our success there. So what if Karzi used to consult for the company that is building the pipeline we need in that country! So what if he has now asked the Taliban to serve a role in the new government! So what that the opium production is back at full strength! This is about optimism. This is about the Afghani people registering more than 10 million people for elections this fall. I know there are only 9.8 million eligible voters in the entire country but when you offer $150 to register and don't check who registers twice, you would be amazed at what freedom can do. Despite the negativity of my opponent, in Afghanistan , Freedom is on the march!
(Chants of "four more wars", erupts again).
Bush: I also want to take a moment to recognize the coalition from all over the world that has helped us in this global struggle. I have heard the pessimism of the democrats who try to diminish the contributions of our coalition. I want to thank countries such as Costa Rica "
(Silence in the crowd as Karl Rove leans in to whisper something to the president)
Bush: "scratch Costa Rica , what I meant to say was I want to welcome our latest addition to the coalition, Madagascar ! They have joined with the world to speak out against terrorism and we expect that their contingent of 17 soldiers to be arriving in Iraq any day now. Welcome Madagascar , welcome. The coalition is always looking for more support as we root out terrorism in countries where it breeds, such as in Costa Rica .
(Crowd, frothing at the mouth, starts chanting Bush, Bush, Bush).
Bush: I also recognize that while it is important to have infrastructure and economic policies in Iraq , it may be equally important to have some at home as well. We have turned a corner folks, we have. You just have to know how to look at the numbers. The economic indicators we were using before my reign, I mean my administration, were developed for another time, another era. They're outdated. The economy has changed, why shouldn't the way we measure it? The numbers of unemployed, living in poverty, laid off, and seeking foreclosures are all ancient economic indicators. They do not truly represent that vibrant economy that we all enjoy now. In the Month of August for example, the amount of families earning supplemental income from garage sales was up 43%! That is 43% in just one month! I might add that if they are having a garage sale, they must have a garage. Garages are usually attached to houses, which clearly indicates that home ownership is also up 43%! The wave of the future is supplemental income! That is because our country is evolving, and the government needs to evolve with it. What about the spike we have seen in selling blood? During the last quarter alone, we have seen a 64% increase in the amount of people selling their blood. That is more money in their pockets for people to spend as they choose to continue to stimulate this economy! It is your blood, why shouldn't you spend the money you earn selling it the way you see fit? I am very discouraged by the negativity of my opponent. He just wants to scare you. We created 32,000 new jobs in July and he just wants to whine about how the government needs to create 150,000 new jobs per month just to keep up with the new job seekers. He believes the government should be creating the jobs, I think you should!
(Chants of "sell your blood, sell your blood!" ripple through the crowd).
Bush: Healthcare is the most important issue I waited three and a half years to address. I believe that you should be on the side of the "docs", not the trial lawyers. Healthcare costs will not come down until we outlaw lawyers in this country. I read about a patient who went in for a hangnail and walked out with a vasectomy. No really, it is not a joke (smirking). So of course if my opponent had his way, this guy would be allowed to sue, and drive up the costs of your healthcare plan! I say look how much money we saved you in future childcare and college costs! When God gives you lemons, you should try to make lemonade; you shouldn't be looking to sue God. God didn't have a lawyer, why should you?
(Crowd explodes into chants of "let's kill all the lawyers")
Bush: Healthcare is an area that allows me to talk about a subject dear to my heart, OWNERSHIP. Ya gotta OWN something in this country if you are going to feel any interest in it at all. That is why I want you to OWN something. OWNERSHIP means you have a piece of our future because you OWN it, ya know? That's why I say; let em OWN their own healthcare, right? Heck I'll even give ya $3,000 per family to start. Now, my doom and gloom opponent will gripe that it costs $9,000 on average for a family to purchase insurance. That just goes to show ya that he wants government to run healthcare! I believe in the American spirit. I believe in the entrepreneurial spirit of America . My opponent does not think you can come up with the other $6,000; he has no faith in America . But I believe in YOU!
(Crowd bursts out into chants of "Six more thousand! Six more thousand!)
Bush: Well now, I would love to just sit here all day and talk about all I have done and will do, but this is really meant to be an opportunity for you, the average undecided American to ask me questions about what is important to you this election season so lets start the "ask the president" session!
Bush: Yes, you in front.
Average American #1: I just wanted to say thank God for you, and that my family prays for you every night.
Bush: Well, thank you very much, that is very nice of you to say. Yes, you?
Average American #2: Mr. President, I want to ask you, you reported to the Texas Air National Guard during Vietnam , right?
Bush: Yes, yes I did.
Average American #2: And in Texas it is very hot and you could have suffered heat stroke at any moment during your deployment?
Bush: Well, yes I guess that is true.
Average American #2: And Texas often has life threatening tornados, does it not?
Bush: Yes, that is correct.
Average American #2: I just want to thank you for your service to this country.
Bush: Well, thank you for saying that. Next?
Average American #3: Mr. President I just want to thank you for turning this country around after inheriting a recession. I am a small business owner in this community and because of your tax cuts and refusal to raise the minimum wage; I was able to hire two additional workers at $5.15 per hour in the past calendar year alone!
Bush: You see, this is what I am talking about when I talk about tax liberation. This entrepreneur was in bondage by former administrations. I gave her back HER money and she chose to invest it in your community. That is how America is supposed to work. Now because she saved so much money on her taxes, two more of your friends have jobs today. Thanks for your question, next question please"yes you?
Average American #4: Sir, I wanted to personally thank you for making me and my family safer with your relentless war on terror. I can't tell you how many times we used to sit around the kitchen table just worrying about Saddam Hussein and when he might choose to unleash his weapons of mass destruction, or start developing weapons of mass destruction, or even that he might one day start thinking about the capability he might be able to obtain to create weapons of mass destruction-related-programs.
Bush: Well you're quite welcome sir. I was presented with a tough decision. Do I trust the word of a madman who said he destroyed the WMD which we had sold him or do I remember the lessons of September the 11th? Faced with that decision I will always protect America . Of course now in light of the fact that no weapons have been found, my opponent would say that we had no right to invade Iraq, but I will never ask for a permission slip to defend America by annihilating a third world country, never! Look, we know that he wanted the weapons, he wanted them. To say otherwise is to stick your head in the sand and hope he never gets them. We need to be on the offensive. Any country that might possibly consider developing weapons programs needs to take heed.
(Chants of Iran is next! Iran is next! ring out)
Bush: Yes Miss, your question?
Average American #5: Yes sir, you also served in Alabama did you not?
Bush: Yes I did.
Average American #5: And doesn't Alabama often suffer from direct hits from hurricanes?
Bush: Yes, yes it does.
Average American #5: And Alabama had no professional sports teams for you to follow while deployed there?
Bush: Hmm, yes, I hadn't thought about that, but you are right.
Average American #5: Gosh, I just want to thank you for your brave service to this great country!
Bush: Well, that is very kind of you to say, I appreciate that. Next?
Average American #6: I am not sure what episode of the twilight zone I have stumbled into here, but can you answer why you are constantly hyping the war when it is apparent from the latest NIE that civil war is close to breaking out, how you can defend the war profiteering, why you waited three and half years to develop a domestic agenda and how"
(Secret service quickly pounces on the man as the crowd kicks at him while he is dragged away in shackles).
(Chants of "four more years" start to die down).
Bush: Those were important questions that deserve answers. I just wonder about the patriotism of a fellow who would question the war on terror? Doesn't that make them with the terrorists? As you know, you are either with us or you are with them. So, these questions are important, they definitely are" next question please?
Average American #7: Yes sir, I want to personally apologize for the infiltration of that enemy combatant and assure you he does not speak for this community.
Bush: Gosh, I would not blame you for his unamericanism. Thanks for your concerns though. Ok, I think we got time for one more, just one more, it is now past 4 in the afternoon and I have to go wake up Jenna and Barbara. Yes, you sir?
Average American #8: I just want to thank you for your unwavering leadership, your calm in the storm and your steady stewardship of this country during perilous times. Thank you.
Bush: Well, thank you very much for that sentiment. I believe that this country needs a leader who will stand for what he believes. A leader who does not look for reasons to change his mind. We live in dangerous times. Dangerous times call for dangerous leaders. They call for"
(Karl Rove leans in again to whisper to the president)
Bush: Sorry, I meant dangerous times call for steady leaders. Yes, steady. That is what I pledge to you all if God chooses to bless me with your votes again. I thank you all for your time, your questions, and your prayers. You were a tough bunch on me, but I will continue to be out here humbly trying to convince you that this ole cowboy deserves another four years!
(FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE FEARS! FOUR MORE TEARS!!!!!!)
The crowd starts to dissipate, slowly returning to their foreclosed homes, with their dwindling jobs and opportunities. Yet, for some reason when the curtain is pulled this November, they will seemingly forget all their problems that Bush has created and may indeed vote for him. What the hell, they can always hold a garage sale.
Anthony Wade is co-administrator of a website devoted to educating the populace to the ongoing lies of President George W. Bush and seeking his removal from office. He is a 37-year-old independent writer from New York with political commentary articles seen on multiple websites. A Christian progressive and professional counselor, Mr. Wade believes that you can have faith and hold elected officials accountable for lies and excess.
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