Most Popular Choices
Share on Facebook 21 Printer Friendly Page More Sharing
Sci Tech    H3'ed 12/21/09

I'm Starting a Left Wing Militia. Wanna Join?

By       (Page 1 of 1 pages)   4 comments

The Righties have militias so why can't we? After all, the Second Amendment is for all of us, not just for them. Granted, we Lefties don't own guns because we're the ones who try to pass gun-control laws, so it would be hypocritical for us to own guns. Unlike the Right, we're not quite as willing to accept hypocrisy as a lifestyle choice.


--

But that doesn't mean we can't start a militia (which is what the Second Amendment is really about.). It'll be fun! We can begin by recruiting people from book discussion groups, and those who give money to Amnesty International.

Our first mission would be to disrupt the Righties wherever they rear their ugly, racist heads. For example, at their rallies, we can broadcast Pottery Barn music or humpback whale sounds. And I'm talking LOUD. Once they've been disabled, we can force them to watch reruns of "West Wing."

We'll need signs too, but nothing as pathetic as the Righties badly-scrawled racist slogans. How lacking in creativity! Our signs would be colorful, like Matisse prints, and say stuff like: "Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Carbon Footprint!"!" or "Glenn Beck Drives a Gas Guzzler!" or "Bill O'Reilly Doesn"t Use Cloth Bags When He Shops for Groceries."

We'll get our revenge rightwing rabble-rousers by littering Sean Hannity's front lawn with hundreds of empty Pinot Grigio bottles. Or throw organic veggies at Lou Dobbs on his way to work. As for Rush Limbaugh, I have two words. Duct tape.

And since we're probably a lot better at Photoshop than the Righties, we could make a convincing forgery of Ronald Reagan's birth certificates, showing that he was actually born in Minsk. Ha! That would throw them for a loop!

Of course, our movement will need a strong leader. Dennis Kucinich would be superb, except he's way too gnome-like. On the other hand, it would be delightful to see Rachel Maddow gag Ann Coulter with a sock, but Rachelis more useful to us on from MSNBC. Keith Olbermann would be forceful, except his striped-jackets-and- dotted-tie ensembles are too gauche and would embarrass us.

Barney Frank is my choice because when the rest of us can't make it to rallies because our Priuses need to go in for warranty checks or if Trader Joe's is having a sale on Pellegrino, Barney can rally the troops and slap us into action. I'm speaking figuratively here of course, because we could never, ever condone violence. As always, we must use our words.

Onward brothers and sisters! Lefties unite!

Funny 3   Well Said 1   Interesting 1  
Rate It | View Ratings

John Blumenthal Social Media Pages: Facebook page url on login Profile not filled in       Twitter page url on login Profile not filled in       Linkedin page url on login Profile not filled in       Instagram page url on login Profile not filled in

John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)
 
Go To Commenting
The views expressed herein are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of this website or its editors.
Writers Guidelines

 
Contact AuthorContact Author Contact EditorContact Editor Author PageView Authors' Articles
Support OpEdNews

OpEdNews depends upon can't survive without your help.

If you value this article and the work of OpEdNews, please either Donate or Purchase a premium membership.

STAY IN THE KNOW
If you've enjoyed this, sign up for our daily or weekly newsletter to get lots of great progressive content.
Daily Weekly     OpEd News Newsletter
Name
Email
   (Opens new browser window)
 

Most Popular Articles by this Author:     (View All Most Popular Articles by this Author)

Stark Naked at the Airport

Will Prince Charles Ever Be King?

My Exclusive Interview With J.D. Salinger

I'm in Love with Michele Bachmann

Why Scrooge Was Right About Christmas

Why I Hate Camping: A Glossary

To View Comments or Join the Conversation:

Tell A Friend