Only the mad mind of inventor, Ivan Linzinski, could have contemplated such a surreal apparatus as the Amazing Iguana Shredder. Originally conceived to catapult the Iguana industry into a lucrative alliance with the paper industry, it seemed too good to be true: shred paper into a hungry iguana pit, and voila!--a fat lizard hoisted upon the grill!--and fields of Iguana guano for a fertile future!--not to mention a recycling renaissance!
However, the best laid schemes o' mice an' men often go astray. No one could have dreamed that Senator Joe Lieberman would confiscate the contraption and convert the Constitution into lizard guano, which technically does not exist (guano being a byproduct of bats) although (unlike plausible deniability) iguana guano does rhyme.
Further forensic evidence points, with pea-picking persistency, to the possibility that the lizard could be bulging with Obama's birth certificate and the coattails of Little Orphan Annie's Daddy Starbucks.
Nicknamed Guantanamo Joe the Lizard, the constitutionally fortified reptile (the Discovery Channel believes) escaped from its shredder, and may be running amuck, skittering between the bandy legs of Lieberman, even as he banters about, and belittles the health care legislation that his constituents badly need.
O'er waving fields of guano, one might wax, God shreds his light on Lieberman.
Although Ivan vigorously protested Lieberman's use of his Iguana Shredder for illegitimate legislation, the case has been classified, due to the sensitive nature of the charges, and Ivan has seemingly disappeared. Rumors abound that he was eaten by Komodo dragons while delivering shredders to the C Street Fellowship House, after hiking on the Appalachian trail, on a search for five-tailed skinks.
Further litigation may be pursued by Barbara Schwarz, of Salt Lake City (Wiki), who has made more requests under the FOIA than any other person since President Johnson signed the Freedom of Information Act into law in 1966. She denies any relationship to Lieberman, although the Iguana bears a striking resemblance. Say it ain't so, Joe.
