Diary: Circular Thinking and "Hubris"

I'm trying to buy a house. In fact I'm trying to buy the house that I'm living in. I haven't been one day late with my rent, I have a decent credit score (not the best, but does anyone my age that isn't a CEO?), and it's almost impossible. Meanwhile, I can't get a VA mortgage (even though I spent 21 years in the Army), because my credit score isn't high enough. So forget about the f*cking benefits from the government. The only time a person can get a break is if he really doesn't need the goddamn money. I'll get this house if I have to bar the doors and have a shoot-out over it. Now I know why I have never owned a house in my life, I just don't have the patience for it. Everyone tells me that they have gone through the same thing. I guess it's sport for the bankers to see you beg.

Meanwhile, I'm pulling my hair out trying to get a small mortgage; the f*cking government loses billions of dollars in Iraq. Billions of f*cking dollars! This is supposed to be a conservative in the White House. What's so conservative about this brainless idiot? He spends money like a drunken sailor, throws "Combat parties" in the middle of the goddamn desert till all hours of the night, and he tells us he's sober. What keeps him sober? Getting young men and women shot up for no reason? So you can be a f*cking war President? You don't know what the f*ck war is! You're a f*cking drill dropout from the Guard who has never seen combat! Nobody can find out where the f*ck you were during the last six months. I heard you were in a mental institution. Why don't you tell us?

So I'm living in a country that throws it's money away (literally), and I can't get a loan. We have two Chickenhawks that have never known combat starting wars anywhere they want and nobody tries to stop them, and Congress sits on their collective asses and argues about a non-binding resolution that means absolutely nothing. It seems that the only ones with any balls are the ones that are causing all the trouble! What's the deal here? Are all the Democrats ball-less? I can understand Pelosi and Boxer and a few others being ball-less but come on...this is getting ridiculous! Don't Democrats care about anything? What has to happen for the Democrats to grow some backbone? What happened to Kerry? When I knew him in 1971, he was full of spit and vinegar. Now look at him, he's pitiful. Does wealth make someone that way? If it does, I'm glad I'm just a week to week guy. I would like it if I could get paid to write a daily column, but I guess that Glenn Beck has scads more talent than I do. Maybe he could lend me the money for a mortgage.

Maybe I should work for Israel. They have a pretty good deal going. They get tons of aid kissing American ass, then they take 50% of that aid money and contribute it to political campaigns here in the US. Then they get a higher amount of aid. Pretty soon we are paying taxes to the f*cking Israeli's. Our politicians get paid to support Israel with the money they voted to give them. This has been going on for more than 20 years. It doesn't take long to understand that a vote for Israel on anything means more money in their campaign coffers. sh*t, this gets so tiresome. It seems like the more you know the more you see, pretty soon it gets to "Reality Overload". Inside your skull all this information is bubbling and seething around your brain. The only way that you can stop all these "circular thoughts" that go 'round and 'round in your head is to get validation from someone... anyone, but noooooooo. You tell people what you are thinking about how the world is... and they look at you as if you just stepped off the Intergalactic Greyhound! People look at you oddly and try to understand what it is you are trying to tell them and suddenly their eyes squint and they look up at you and they resemble baby birds that are waiting for the mother to drop a worm in their mouth. So off you go, smoke coming out of your ears and you desperatly try to find some cold flowing water that you can stick your overheating head into.

The other day I was watching the television in my doctor's office (he really isn't my doctor, he's just a doctor, I'm not wealthy enough to have my own doctor) and I listen to this talking head tell me about Iraq and Afghanistan. I see "combat footage" that I could swear I've seen before and hear words like "embedded" and "surge" and "at the end of the day" and cut and run" and the latest "word of the day: "HUBRIS". Hubris is a word that has become "problematic" to the Generals "on the ground" in Iraq that are preparing for the "surge". It seems everyone acts out of "hubris" especially politicians. At first I thought it was some kind of Mid-Eastern dish like "hummus". Now I think it means something like "ballsy". It figures, since there are no balls in Congress, just followers. I wonder though; if there are just "followers" in Congress... how can there be "followers" if we have no leaders? See? "Circular thinking". I've just got to get the Doctor to see me. I hear my name, thank God!

The nurse takes my blood pressure. She tells me it's high. I tell her that if they would change the goddamn channel in the waiting room it wouldn't be this high. I get a prescription anyway. I see the doctor and walk out with three new prescriptions, by the time I get home I forget what all of these things are supposed to do so I put the script in my drawer with the others. I'm already taking six pills in the morning and three at night. I have no more room at the inn in my gut. f*ck more pills. I kiss my wife and put my head on her shoulder. I can feel my head staring to cool. She tells me I look stressed and makes me an ice cream cone. It's gone from a joint, to a shot of bourban, to an ice cream cone. Pretty soon my hair will fall out, then my skin will get pink, I'll start to forget things and talk gibberish, and I'll have no teeth and wear a diaper. I will have ended up where I started out. See? Circular thinking...no hubris needed.