OBLIGATORY PRESS APOLOGY: During overt campaigns, one of the more interesting ploys run by Republicans was the bumper sticker, "Annoy the Media, Re-elect Bush." George paraded that sticker and whined about the way the press constructs and destructs a president from hero to zero depending on what will make the best television. George's claimed that press coverage championed Clinton, until he was so exciting an underdog as to be leading in the polls by so much Bush couldn't catch back up.
As a member of the press, I plead guilty.
Now for our story.
When George began waving the media's name on a bumper sticker and calling "bad dog, bad dog," some of the press came running. To keep the drama pitched, and pitch-able, we, the press, began painting George Bush as the exciting underdog and we all got to revel in that thrilling pre-climax episode of "The Campaigners: An American Stress Test," entitled "Can Our Fallen Leader Come Back by Nov. 4th?" Story after story gave us poll point by poll point progress of George's long march back. Alas, a little too late for Bush to win the Academy Award for the role he always loved, "The Comeback Guy." Tough break George, but hey, that's showbiz.
Now we enter the convert portion of the campaigns. Not much showbiz here usually, one party picks up its mess from the rented hall, while the other starts hanging its bunting. But my fellow TV viewers, this time we're in luck! The drama lives on. The press had so much fun painting Bush as the much maligned leader during the waning days of the campaign, they've decided to just keep it up. While everybody is getting annoyed Bill and Al haven't finished redecorating the homes they don't get to move into for another two months, Bush vetoes urban aid, starts a Trade War, begins orchestrating the pardons of the Iran - Contra felons and the press soft-pedals a George Bush as the "Fallen Hero Unjustly Defeated by the Wily Interloper." Grandpa Bush just looking for a nice little home way down in Texas. Sweet huh? You may recall that this repackaging came from the same folks who three years ago began selling us Richard Nixon as an elder statesman.
I must admit I missed that boat, oops, but it's not too late for me to get with the program. To demonstrate that we are truly unbiased, the press must crush who ever is in power. After all, without conflict, TV simply becomes Lawrence Welk. As a loyal member of the liberal press I guess I'm required to squeeze out whatever bad news I can.
My part of this whole trash Clinton movement will be to assist in making Clinton a Carter. Remember Carter? A Southern idealist governor, Carter got elected as a change candidate from the patently criminal Republican powers in office. Sound familiar? He had an interesting brother and gawky daughter and promised to make government more responsive to the needs of the people. He worked for world peace, fought for the environment, and put moral decency ahead of personal profit in his decision making. You remember, he was a terrible, terrible man.
He invented inflation and high interest rates. He raised taxes, (Taxes, Took Our Money!) just to pay for some silly welfare improvements. The man was so busy being fair-minded and polite he never got anything done; but he was also a troublemaker who wouldn't get along with Congress, those saints. That mean old Carter kept us out of the Olympics just to fight the Cold War. And then there was that hostage thing, where he intentionally crashed that helicopter load of fine American GIs. We had to get rid of him.
We needed someone who could teach Iran a lesson. First chance we got we went with Ronnie the Clown who called in Oliver North and he sure gave old Iran both barrels. OK, sold them the barrels and the bullets to go with it, but you know what I mean. And what about that old scum Carter? Well, he is still wasting his time and our television by building homes for the homeless and doing humanitarian stuff in Africa. Africa, as if anybody important was dying in Africa.
That was Jimmy Carter: the Washington outsider idealist calling for a change back to people first instead of power first. When inflation went up and he couldn't get free our hostages we threw him out for Ronnie the Clown. Press-to change-o Clinton's a Carter. Don't you hate him now? Where Pat Robertson when we need him. Aren't I a good watch dog of the press?
Of course, Carter is just one of the various cycles we can pick to make Bill ride. As a responsive member of the press I guarantee we can paint Clinton in whatever ugly light best suits America's viewing tastes. There's also the Democrat coming in after a Republican had the bad luck to be the figurehead when the economy blew apart. After eight years of trying to build a peacetime economy that president eventually gave up and threw a hugely profitable war. Or there's the first figure of a new generation seizing power from an old generation which had fallen into decay.
And we simply shot him. Now that was great TV.
--mikel weisser currently writes from the left coast of AZ, but 16 years ago, this piece was written in Springfield, IL.
