Never one to let others appear more self-righteous than themselves, the fictional followers of Landover Baptist church have developed their own satirical, if non-existent, Hell House, which they claim is the only spot of church land where non-believers are welcome during the year.
Sounding all-too-authentic by insisting that Halloween is Hebrew for "Satan Ruleth," the fanciful church claims that the holiday celebrates the fall of humankind and the rise of Catholicism – and the LandoverBaptist.org website describes their unique interpretation of the Hell House phenomena as "a reality-based adventure that takes people on a 7-scene journey, each scene depicting the hell and destruction that Satan and His world bestow on those who choose to not accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Personal Savior, submit to God's authority, join a Bible-based church, and participate in and financially support the Baptist faith."
This year's fantasy-rich vaporware Landover Baptist Hell House is billed as featuring "an unparalleled experience of horror," according to commentary on the subject, which claims that "Real Corpses from Turkey's Earthquake that would have been wasted in mass graves, will (sic) frozen and delivered to Landover Baptist Church, to be used in the Godly purpose of winning souls! We intend to so traumatize people with images of death and Hell, that they will have no choice but to fall flat on their faces in the conversion tend and repent, get baptized and get their little Devil loving souls into church!"
The entire tour of Landover Baptist's fictive Hell House is billed as taking approximately a half hour to view its 10 scenes. One vignette has allegedly been shortened to a mere 30 seconds, "in an effort to cut down on all the vomit we had to clean up between groups last year."
Highlights of the fright fest include the funeral of a gay teen who died from AIDS contracted by touching ink from a "pedophile homosexual Secular-History teacher," the suicide of a drunken father responsible for the auto related death of his family, a graphic teen suicide autopsy, a pot smoking devil who introduces children to the drug before being begged to impregnate them, Satan both performing and devouring an abortion while disguised as a Jewish doctor, a gay man raping a live chicken that is then cooked and served to the audience, and unrepentant souls being whipped and beaten until converted.
A signed medical waiver is supposedly required before entering the Landover Baptist Hell House, which, among other things, hopes to bring salvation to "teenagers influenced by the poison of negro music."
Although Landover Baptist church is an unrepentant satire, in the real world much of what it promotes is not. While there is no official word about whether its development owes any direct thanks to Roberts' Hell House Outreach kits –odds are strong that the lampoon is a more than fitting homage for a profoundly anti-sex, anti-equality message that belongs buried in the dark ages of antiquity.
Sounding all-too-authentic by insisting that Halloween is Hebrew for "Satan Ruleth," the fanciful church claims that the holiday celebrates the fall of humankind and the rise of Catholicism – and the LandoverBaptist.org website describes their unique interpretation of the Hell House phenomena as "a reality-based adventure that takes people on a 7-scene journey, each scene depicting the hell and destruction that Satan and His world bestow on those who choose to not accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Personal Savior, submit to God's authority, join a Bible-based church, and participate in and financially support the Baptist faith."
This year's fantasy-rich vaporware Landover Baptist Hell House is billed as featuring "an unparalleled experience of horror," according to commentary on the subject, which claims that "Real Corpses from Turkey's Earthquake that would have been wasted in mass graves, will (sic) frozen and delivered to Landover Baptist Church, to be used in the Godly purpose of winning souls! We intend to so traumatize people with images of death and Hell, that they will have no choice but to fall flat on their faces in the conversion tend and repent, get baptized and get their little Devil loving souls into church!"
The entire tour of Landover Baptist's fictive Hell House is billed as taking approximately a half hour to view its 10 scenes. One vignette has allegedly been shortened to a mere 30 seconds, "in an effort to cut down on all the vomit we had to clean up between groups last year."
A signed medical waiver is supposedly required before entering the Landover Baptist Hell House, which, among other things, hopes to bring salvation to "teenagers influenced by the poison of negro music."
Although Landover Baptist church is an unrepentant satire, in the real world much of what it promotes is not. While there is no official word about whether its development owes any direct thanks to Roberts' Hell House Outreach kits –odds are strong that the lampoon is a more than fitting homage for a profoundly anti-sex, anti-equality message that belongs buried in the dark ages of antiquity.
(Originally published by YNOT.com)
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