QUESTION: What do you say to those critics who just really hate you?
Gee Dub: Everyone’s a critic. Most are not hostile or angry. Most folks are civil, except for that shoe guy. Now there’s a piece of work, huh? What the heck? Good thing I learned how to dodge back during the Vietnam war. But everyone’s a critic. Like you take that “Gran Torino.” Now there’s a movie. Heh heh. Good ol’ Clint Eastwood, he always comes through, don’t he? “Get off mah lawn!” Oh yeah, that’s whut I’m talkin’. Didn’t understand what all the fuss was over “The Wrestler” though. I mean, I like rasslin’, but that damn thing just didn’t go nowhere. No story line whatsomever, just a bunch of random scenes in the life of a loser. But that Marisa Tomei! Now there’s a pair of Golden Globes if I ever saw one on a pole dancer, and I have, if you know whut I mean, and I think you do.
But getting back to your question, you know a lot of people really hated Abraham Lincoln too. So I’m in good company there. But I never shied away from controversy. That way I can still look at myself in the mirror when I go back down Texas. Don’t pay no nevermind to focus groups.
I never spent that much time worry about the loud voices. Oh I hear ‘em. Late at night, when Laura’s finally stopped snoring, and the central air shuts off. I can hear ‘em alright. I just don’t worry ‘bout ‘em, that’s all. But they speak to me. I just make a point of not listening, which I’m pretty good at.
QUESTION: What is President-elect Obama going to do that will really piss you off?
Gee Dub: Oh, hey now, I’m not gonna play the gotcha game. I’m leavin’ him enough problems. I’m sure he’s going to change stuff around, you know, mix it up, that he don’t need me second-guessin’ which one of ‘em’s gonna put a burr under my saddle blanket.
When I get outta here, I’m getting off the stage. Besides, Mr. Obama, he’s gonna have his hands full with the economy and all. It’s like I said: Wall Street got drunk and we got the hangover. Me, I got the DTs. Just a little shaky, need a bailout, a little hair of the dog don’tcha know.
QUESTION: President Dubya, you’ve made so many mistakes in your long career. What’s the worst one that you can think of offhand?
Gee Dub: Mistakes? Well, putting up that “Mission Accomplished” sign was probably not the smartest thing I’ve ever done. We were trying to say something else, but I din’t know how to spell it. Had to turn that whole aircraft carrier around too so’s you wouldn’t see San Diego in the background. And I guess my codpiece in that ol’ flight suit was probably a bit over the top, even if everything is bigger down Texas. But the ladies sure liked it.
I guess I could’ve landed Air Force One in New Orleans or Baton Rouge, a perfect touch and go three-pointer just like I did when I brought that S-3B in on that landing deck. Used to be a helluva pilot, you know. I still got it.
I probably shouldn’t-a tried to privatize Social Security neither. Just look where you’d be today if I’d done gone and pulled a stunt like that! Thank the Good Lord for small favors, huh? And maybe banning stem cells to cure diabetes and breast cancer wasn’t such a hot idea, lookin’ back on it. Oh, hell, I don’t know. Wiretapping Americans, probably not the best moment of my reign, but we sure did get some juicy stuff from those second lieutenants callin’ their girlfriends, hoo-boy I tell you! Maybe deregulating the banks and the financial lending markets wasn’t too bright either, but on the other hand, we cashed out early, so we’ll be OK once I get back down Crawford.
Having those soldier girls shove electric tampons up Iraqi prisoner’s asses in Abu Ghraib may not have won us too many friends, but we learned our lesson though. We made damn sure none of them pictures ever saw the light of day in Guantanamo.
I guess not having weapons of mass destruction was a mistake, come to think of it. We should have planted them in the trunk of one of them Abrams tanks like we had originally planned. At least we would have had a reason then for going into Iraq.
You know, you win some, you lose some. As Governor of the Lone Star State I learned that Legislatures tend to be “risk averse.” Me, I’m “risky bidness.”
QUESTION: You were pretty popular when you were a cheerleader at Yale. Don’t you worry now that you have the lowest rating of any President EVER?
Gee Dub: You can be popular by joining the International Criminal Court, if that’s all you want to do, be popular. Me, I never wanted to be popular, and I succeeded. I’m leaving with my head held high, just like that ol’ Argent song. You know, “Hold Your Head Up?” Damn straight.
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