I had no answer. About seven months later, he blew his brains out. When I heard, I realized the depths of his misery, of the "impostor syndrome" that was crippling him, of the fact that he had armor-plated his fear rather than actually draining the swamp. And the demons had simply bred in the dark until they destroyed him.
And grasped that so many of us seek a way out of that darkness. We seek masters, the golden few who have achieved some standard of skill, or strength, or happiness. We don't want to know about their insecurities. Don't want to know about their sadness. We want to know how they got there, and that it is worth the journey.
So"the term "master" isn't about the master. It is about the student. About the need to believe in something worth fighting for in life.
And I know that despite all of the struggle, the sense of
incompletion, the failures and heart-crushing setbacks"that my life
is wonderful. I have my soul-mate, even if she drives me
crazy sometimes. I have my writing career, all of the
fans and money and awards and acclaim"even if there are ups and
downs and side-ways ripples. I have my martial arts, even if
I surround myself with people so much better than I am that it
feels like I know nothing. But they accept me as a brother on the
path of mastery. If I accept the gifts they have given me, I
don't have the right to luxuriate in insecurity.
Wow. I will never walk away from my family.
Never stop writing and teaching. Never stop practicing the
martial arts I love.
I guess that makes me a master, whether I laugh myself silly thinking about it or not. And all I want to say to others is that you really can achieve your dreams, but grasp that the doubting voices will never shut the @#$$ up completely. It's their job to natter. It is yours to walk the Path.
In other words: sharks and icebergs and undertow and all"come on
in. The water's fine.
Namaste,
Steve
Www.diamondhour.com
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