But so what? How does this explanation of our mourning process advance our understanding? Isn't mourning still self-pity, as Tony says it is?
No, it is not exactly self-pity.
Rather the activation of the Child Within is a signal to us that the Child Within is still hurting, probably from traumatization in early childhood. But if the Child Within is still hurting, should our sorrow signal us to attend to the Child Within? Yes, it should. Moreover, it signals that deep stuff in our psyches is surfacing, traumatizations from our early childhood.
Put differently, our sorrow and mourning should signal us that we have unresolved grief issues that we should attend to. We need to parent the Child Within as we ourselves were not parented in the traumatizations of our early childhood.
But wouldn't such belated parenting of our Child Within be self-pity? No, not exactly. It would be remedial parenting. If our efforts at such remedial parenting work, then we will emerge in a fresh new psychological condition in which we will be ready to listen to some of the things Tony says about attachments and nonattachment and being happy regardless of our losses.
As paradoxical as it may sound, Tony says, "Where there is love, there is no desire" (page 42). There is no desire in the sense of attachment for oneself, no desire to possess and cling to somebody or something for one's own sake, no desire to dominate and control somebody else for one's own sake. "Attachment means "I gotta get you.' It means, "Without you, I will not be happy. If I don't get you, I won't be happy. I cannot be happy without you'" (page 42). "If you were not actively engaged in making yourself miserable, you would be happy" (page 43).
In conclusion, Tony de Mello's new book is challenging food for thought.
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