Obama: (sneering) And you disagree with your Vice President too! She thinks global warming is just another sign that the Rapture is right around the corner. We can create 5-million new jobs making alternative energy. Senator McCain voted against alternative fuels 23 times.
McCain: Well, I was on Navy ships that had nuclear power plants, big ol’ gigantic cooling towers like Three Mile Island, just off the coast of Saigon. And I fought pork too. Except in that big Bailout Bill last week. Look here, more drilling means more oil and that means Joe Six-Tank is paying less at the pump.
LINDSEY TRELLA: Should health care be bought and sold in the marketplace like a common street whore? Or should it be marketed more like an anorexic model in a Macy’s ad?
Obama: If you’re happy with your health care, clap your plans. I say let’s go for the model. With no pre-existing conditions. Unconditional agape love health care, that’s what I say. In the Prada with a Dolce Gabbana bag and Manolo Blahnik stilletos.
McCain: I don’t even know what you’re talking about. We need to have more efficiencies in the health care system, more HMOs watching to make sure you’re not sneaking a $30-dollar box of Kleenex out of your hospital room. That’s the kind of thievery that drives up costs! I’m going to give you a $5K refund so you can go out there and buy your own private health care, to enjoy in the privacy of your own home, behind closed doors, like common decent cloth Republican coat citizens. Employers want to give you health care, you know. Obama’s gonna fine you to have health care!
Obama: Health care is a right, not a privilege.
McCain: It’s not just a job, it’s an adventure.
Obama: My mama had to go fight the health insurance companies but she lost, so now it’s personal.
Brokaw: Let’s move on to foreign policy.
McCain: I don’t believe this—did we hear the size of the fine?
PHIL ELLIOT: Now that we’re broke, can we afford to be peacemakers?
McCain: Hey, everybody loves America! We’re known the world around as the good guys who only want peace and to spread democracy whether folks want it or not. Obama was wrong about Russia. We don’t have time for OJT.
Obama: Don’t be hatin’! John-boy thinks I’m “green behind the ears.” Well, maybe not now, but I will be once they print my face on money. There is a lot I don’t understand. I don’t understand why we invaded a country that had nothing to do with bringing down World Trade Center Building Number 7. Come to think of it, Osama Bin Ladin didn’t have anything to do with that one either.
Brokaw: So when would it be OK to nuke somebody?
Obama: We have a moral obligation to nuke folks to prevent things like the Holocaust, genocide, ethnic cleansing. Like the Shiites cleansing the Sunnis in Iraq, for example.
McCain: Everything’s fine over there! The surge is working, you just won’t admit it! We need a Cool Hand Luke at the tiller! Gotta stay the course and maintain an even keelhaul!
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