"You admit it! You bastard!"
"I've nothing to hide from you now, 18; you've been walked up the ramp to the slaughterhouse door. There's no further need of the Judas goat. Look, I'll tell you what I'm going to do, you go get us a couple of cups of coffee and I'll get on this computer and make a recommendation at the highest level that another position be found for you. I can't promise anything; it might even be in contracted maintenance. You're familiar with that, aren't you?" he said as he laughed, so amused by his own humor.
"18, get the coffee, huh! And I'll get started here."
I walked out of his office, blind with rage but at the same time analytically cold and calm. I knew what I needed to do and it didn't involve cream and sugar. I returned silently, while he typed at the monitor; he must have heard me, he had to have heard me, but he forgot a cardinal rule. Even the most passive animal will turn when cornered. Rather than delivering coffee with cream and sugar, instead I delivered iron, cold, and with righteousness in the form of a forty-pound lining bar across the top of his head.
His head went squash and he never made another sound. I placed the bar at an angle under the chair and kicked it with my foot, sending it rolling on its casters across the carpeted floor. It spun once as it trailed blood, and the former 0011-50 as he fell on the floor. The thought of murder never occurred to me. Instead, I shouted, 5900! 5900! 5900! Which was the product code for defective goods or materials damaged during production. I wasn't a murderer; I was a quality inspector removing a defective good!
I stood at his terminal and thought for a moment, then began:
Emergency Corporate Memo
To: All Departments
Subject: Quality assurance
It has come to the attention of the quality assurance team that there are defective components that are functioning in the management levels of 50 and higher. These components are functioning at sub-par levels which, in turn, is affecting product quality. It is of critical importance for quality assurance that these defective components be rectified immediately!
The corrective action is as follows: Using a forty-pound lining bar (part number # 6-50-0550) in a quick, vertical-swing action, strike the defective unit in its speech and thought center until it stops making noise. Repeat as necessary. Mark the failed component 5900 for defective component or 5910 for materials damaged during production. Return via normal channels to defective goods center. Be sure that all necessary paper work is included and complete! Any failure to do so will slow your credit due and be charged back against your plant profitability!
Quality Assurance Team 00118-75
I was captured two days later, at home. The police made a big to-do over it, but I didn't put up a fight or anything. It's just that they have these swat teams and armored vehicles, and well, they need to use them from time to time, or people might question why they spent the money in the first place. I could understand that; it was obvious enough, big macho policemen need big macho guns and vehicles. And if the big macho policemen think they need big macho guns and armored vehicles, why then the general public would have to be mighty brave or just downright foolish to deny them to them. They wouldn't lie, would they?
I was charged with the first-degree murder of employee # 0011-50, but strangely I was not charged with any of the other sixteen murders associated with my memo worldwide. Maybe it was because I was found not guilty by reason of insanity, maybe the company just hated to lose that many truly loyal employees at one whack. Excuse my pun, even though it was quite intentional.
The world is a strange place; on the day that I found my sanity, I was declared insane. For the years as I functioned quite insanely, I was praised for my sanity. On the day I found my freedom, I was imprisoned for life. As long as I functioned passively, being stepped on at their leisure and cast out when it suited them, they claimed to owe me nothing! Yet, when I made free and voluntary adjustments to their corporate management team, they have sworn a vow to hold onto me until the day I die, to feed me and shelter me. Damn, this is a funny place! Or is it me?
"I've nothing to hide from you now, 18; you've been walked up the ramp to the slaughterhouse door. There's no further need of the Judas goat. Look, I'll tell you what I'm going to do, you go get us a couple of cups of coffee and I'll get on this computer and make a recommendation at the highest level that another position be found for you. I can't promise anything; it might even be in contracted maintenance. You're familiar with that, aren't you?" he said as he laughed, so amused by his own humor.
"18, get the coffee, huh! And I'll get started here."
I walked out of his office, blind with rage but at the same time analytically cold and calm. I knew what I needed to do and it didn't involve cream and sugar. I returned silently, while he typed at the monitor; he must have heard me, he had to have heard me, but he forgot a cardinal rule. Even the most passive animal will turn when cornered. Rather than delivering coffee with cream and sugar, instead I delivered iron, cold, and with righteousness in the form of a forty-pound lining bar across the top of his head.
I stood at his terminal and thought for a moment, then began:
Emergency Corporate Memo
To: All Departments
Subject: Quality assurance
It has come to the attention of the quality assurance team that there are defective components that are functioning in the management levels of 50 and higher. These components are functioning at sub-par levels which, in turn, is affecting product quality. It is of critical importance for quality assurance that these defective components be rectified immediately!
The corrective action is as follows: Using a forty-pound lining bar (part number # 6-50-0550) in a quick, vertical-swing action, strike the defective unit in its speech and thought center until it stops making noise. Repeat as necessary. Mark the failed component 5900 for defective component or 5910 for materials damaged during production. Return via normal channels to defective goods center. Be sure that all necessary paper work is included and complete! Any failure to do so will slow your credit due and be charged back against your plant profitability!
Quality Assurance Team 00118-75
I was captured two days later, at home. The police made a big to-do over it, but I didn't put up a fight or anything. It's just that they have these swat teams and armored vehicles, and well, they need to use them from time to time, or people might question why they spent the money in the first place. I could understand that; it was obvious enough, big macho policemen need big macho guns and vehicles. And if the big macho policemen think they need big macho guns and armored vehicles, why then the general public would have to be mighty brave or just downright foolish to deny them to them. They wouldn't lie, would they?
I was charged with the first-degree murder of employee # 0011-50, but strangely I was not charged with any of the other sixteen murders associated with my memo worldwide. Maybe it was because I was found not guilty by reason of insanity, maybe the company just hated to lose that many truly loyal employees at one whack. Excuse my pun, even though it was quite intentional.
The world is a strange place; on the day that I found my sanity, I was declared insane. For the years as I functioned quite insanely, I was praised for my sanity. On the day I found my freedom, I was imprisoned for life. As long as I functioned passively, being stepped on at their leisure and cast out when it suited them, they claimed to owe me nothing! Yet, when I made free and voluntary adjustments to their corporate management team, they have sworn a vow to hold onto me until the day I die, to feed me and shelter me. Damn, this is a funny place! Or is it me?
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