If it swims like a fish, smells like a fish and drinks like a fish, you've got a drunken fish. Or, in this case, Pete Hegseth.
The evidence is everywhere, starting with the fact that Donald Trump's nominee for secretary of defense is running around apparently telling everyone that if he is confirmed as head of the most powerful military organization on the planet, he would stop drinking completely. He's even telling people who didn't ask him about his drinking. In fact, I'm not sure anyone asked him to stop drinking, but apparently he thinks it's a good idea, if not a job requirement, for the secretary of defense to abstain completely from alcohol.
Like an alcoholic. Which Hegseth apparently does not think he is because he told his colleague, Megyn Kelly, on TV, "It's not hard for me because it's not a problem for me." He added: "This is the biggest deployment of my life, and there won't be a drop of alcohol on my lips while I'm doing it."
Pete, Pete, Pete. Take a seat. First of all, if "it" is not a problem for you, then there's no reason for you to abstain completely from drinking. I'm sure some secretaries of defense have had a glass of wine at some fancy dinner, someplace or other with no one raising an eyebrow.
But if you're swearing off, there must be some reason. Usually, that means a lot of other people have suggested or outright said you have a drinking problem.
I'm not making this stuff up out of thin air, Pete. I've been writing a column about addiction and recovery for 17 years and I've interviewed literally dozens of members of Alcoholics Anonymous. They agree that people who don't have a drinking problem (1) don't accidentally wind up at AA meetings and (2) don't feel the need to swear off drinking totally in order to get a good job or not get kicked out of the house or fired.
Or, as The New Yorker reported, get carried to your room at a Memorial Day veterans' event in Virginia Beach in 2014 because you were "totally sloshed". Or, had to be held back from joining female dancers on stage at a Louisiana strip club.
Or go on the air to host a morning show on Fox TV smelling of alcohol, as colleagues reportedly complained.
Or, as reported, be removed from leadership positions at two military veterans' organizations amid allegations of financial mismanagement, inappropriate sexual behavior and, yes, drunkenness.
I guess that's why you're promising to be abstinent if you're put in charge of the Defense Department, Pete, a job for which, by the way, you are also clearly unqualified.
And, Pete, as long as we're being honest here, there's that painful note your mom sent you six years ago: "I have no respect for any man that belittles, lies, cheats, sleeps around and uses women for his own power and ego.
"You are that man (and have been for years) and as your mother, it pains me and embarrasses me to say that, but it is the sad, sad truth. I... say... get some help and take an honest look at yourself."
That's the kind of behavior that experience tells usually involves alcohol.
There's no time like the present, Pete. Your mom is right. Get some help and take an honest look at yourself.
You sound like a macho guy, Pete. Do yourself a favor. Find an AA meeting, walk in quietly and take a seat and listen. You don't have to say anything. They don't even want to know your last name. A lot of macho guys have told me it was the hardest thing they ever did.
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