HUMOR: The Pelosi Break-In: The True Story (Exclusive)

The Pelosi Break-In: The True Story (Exclusive)

by John Kendall Hawkins

The "naked" man who invaded the home of US House Leader Nancy Pelosi and assailed her husband, Paul, with a "hammer," leaving him traumatized and with a fractured hair. And.

Nancy Drew, a police spokesman, said police arrived at the scene on Friday the 28th, three days before the Halloween holiday was scheduled to begin, to discover Mr. Pelosi and David DePerp, 42, interlocked, Greco-Roman style, and naked, when police arrived, guns cocked, expecting to take down a Black man, when they were gobsmacked by unfolding "events."

Mr. DePerp is said to have said he'd go "all Rachmaninoff" on Mr. Pelosi's "ass," if he didn't tell him the Truth. In addition, key eye witnesses claimed to have heard Mr. DePerp say he'd stay until Ms. Pelosi came home so that he could "break her knee caps." Officer Bobby Johnson told police that he yelled, "Drop the hammer, you two, or I'll drop the hammer on you. Plural." And when Mr. Pelosi complied, the "naked" assailant took the opportunity to wield, striking Mr.Pelosi several times in the egg noggin before Johnson's partner, officer Lyn Lovelace, knocked the hammer from the assailant's hand and "bidge-slapped" him until he cried. "We say stop," she said. "You stop."

Officers recovered garbage bag zip ties in Ms. Pelosi's bedroom and in the hallway near the front door, which was inexplicably open. They also found a second hammer, a shid load of masking tape (suitable for a Halloween "trick"), whitey rope ("Enough to hang yourself," Lovelace cracked), a pair of rubber and cloth gloves (left over from the OJ trial exhibit) and a convenient journal in Mr. DePerp's backpack, according to the complaint.

When asked what kind of hammers they were, officer Johnson told reporters to ask officer Lovelace, who deferred to the police public relations office which issued a statement indicating that the would-be murder weapon was a felt hammer from an upright piano recovered from a honkey tonk on Telegraph Hill. The second hammer belonged to a grand piano found at Mr. DePerp's apartment, which was the deconstructed instrument that featured in Barbarella, loudly starring then self-described "sex kitten"Jane Fonda. "An Oscar performance," cracked officer Lovelace, gratuitously, as no one had asked her for an IMDB commentary. A sequel to Barbarella, not that anyone asked, is said to feature an oversized mouth harp suitable for, say, Bob Dylan, who some say wrote the song, "Country Pie."

Reached in Washington, DC, Ms. Pelosi, who said she was "just tidying up" around her office before heading west to reunite with her strange husband. Congress itself was not in session. So she stayed home and listened to it on the radio. And reviewed the Jan 6 brouhaha again -- "Instigated by the President of the United States of America." She actually said that.

Police "at the scene" were asked for the Why for Mr. DePerp's behavior. Detective Mickey Finn told reporters that at first police suspected "foul play," as they had received a confidential call from former NY DA Rudy Giuliani, who whispered before hanging up abruptly, "China did it!" They said they then suspected "foul play."

In addition, police say that another motivating factor for the threats to the elderly stateswoman and her separate but equal business partner (and husband), Paul, was a Chinese gang, known as the Golden Triangle, who, police suspect, may have, according to one fringe theory, kidnapped Mr. DePerp and turned him into a Manchurian Candidate programmed to "knee cap" Ms. Pelosi and steal her home podium, from which she was said to read bedtime stories to her old geezer inside-trading husband, Pall. Police found "at the scene" at the podium a recent prospectus for Nvidia semiconductor stocks that police say may have been designed to "aggravate" the Chinese in the aftermath of calculus following her abacusculated visit to Taiwan.

Paramount Chinese Xi was said to have nearly choked on his chicken dumpling at a state dinner when he was allegedly told that the Pelosis were trying to Charley Brown the Chinese semiconductor industry. "Bucky bucky beaver," he was said to have said of Ms. Pelosi's "arrogance" and "chaos" positioning. "This aggression will not stand," saud the seated Xi.

Meanwhile, social workers who have treated Mr. DePerp in the past for homelessness were said to be dismayed. Cindy "Bebop" Lauper of the Career Crisis Center (CCC) said, "We're told that the ordinarily placid and hippie-esque DePerp had begun to mood swing, what we call emotional flim-flamming, and was showing signs of taking on MAGA traits. He may have misunderstood what happened on January 6 because he was off his meds." Mr. DePerp was said to be on lithium. Officers of the Law suggested, without solicitation, that the Chinese were out to corner the market on lithium.

Neighbors interviewed for this piece were flummoxed. Bobbi Dillon, a hairdresser originally from Swedesville, New Jersey, weighed in with, "He's cute. And quiet. But lately he was talking like a f*cking manioc. Saying "Nancy is Hillary" and describing "naked" chocolate creme-filled children stuffed into outsized take-away cartons locked in a storage room where potent barrels of illicit MSG were kept beneath the Dim Sum Moon restaurant on the tram line somewhere on the streets of." She added, "Apparently, he doesn't even know they don't use MSG anymore."

Police said, reported earlier in this very piece, that Mr. DePerp was "naked" was a gross exaggeration perpetuated by the right wing newspaper Browbeat.

There were fears that.

Mr. DePerp, originally homeless, social workers said, and found camped under a banyan tree (he was Buddhist at the time) with his future naked bride, GypsyTaub, a militant nudist, and founder of a committed (and some are said to have said, "Committable") movement of activists known as Give t*ts A Chance, a reference to their insistent toplessness in urban settings to, as one highly placed activist put it, to "Give it to The Man!" The group includes Taub, Rihanna, Chelsea Handler, Vlad "The Impaler" Putin, some say Smiley Silage, and Bruce "Die Hard" Willis's adult daughter, Scout. ("Wow," said officer Johnson of Scout. "I can't wait to arrest her.")

Hospital officials were said to report that a "hairline fracture" occurred.

Police said that it was possible, if the Chinese connection can be made, that Mr. DePerp could face charges under the 1917 Espionage Act. Mr. DePerp is said to have allegedly made supporting comments about Julian Assange's plight. Police fear that Mr. DePerp may not even make it to trial, such is the hue and cry for injustice. Said officer Johnson in an aside to reporters, "Oh, yeah, no doubt, we're gonna have to call in Harry Callahan to get through the prevailing gauntlet." Reporters rushed to Callahan to get a flash reaction for the six o'clock news and caught him squinting and muttering into the mirror, "Well, do you punk?" The Man with No Name, apprised of the situation, and the need to have him run the gauntlet one last time, said merely, "Marvelous." He was naked from the waist up.

Conspiracy fearists, buried in the piece, claim the hammer attack was either a Halloween stunt broke bad, or, "More likely," said Holland Xavier, transportation secretary for the bicyclists union, "Nancy is diverting attention from her personal shit show with insider trader legislation that threatens to undermine the Democrats in the upcoming midterm elections and she desperately needed to draw attention to the bizarre failing of her opposition. After all, the House could be lost to the Repugnicans in a week and she may face focussed scrutiny for her role in trussing Donald Trump with two pointless impeachment trials." She added, "Revenge is a bee-atch." Ms. Pelosi would lose her House speakership. And she's too mature to be minority whip.

Couldn't be reached for comment.

*** Correction: The Golden Triangle referred to in the piece is actually a drive-through restaurant knock-off of Mickey D's (Golden Arches, get it? Oh, those Chinese and their inscrutable humor, right?)***

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