[HUMOR/ SATIRE]
By Daniel Patrick Welch
SALEM--A landmark Salem eatery was all abuzz Thursday night as word spread throughout the small crowd at Major Magleashe's about a once-an-eternity celebrity guest. Regular patrons Dan Welch and Julia Nambalirwa-Lugudde confirmed the rumors that Jesus Christ had chosen the intimate setting for his Last Supper.
"I mean, they said no pictures, but hey, it's not every day that the Son of Man is sitting a few tables away," said Welch when interviewed for this piece and urged to tell us what's happening. The couple voiced concern that their blurry picture of the King of Kings would be met by disbelief from skeptics. Still, they vowed to add the photo of The Chosen One to their famous collection of photos of the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and other rare appearances. "Don't forget the face of the Virgin Mary from that grilled cheese sandwich in the diner in Peoria," added his wife Julia.
The couple also seemed confident that their minor sin would be forgiven, if not by the establishment, then certainly by the Light of the World himself. "He's The Nazarene," said Nambalirwa-Lugudde. "I mean he kind of, like, has to, right?"
Staff and patrons alike were taken aback, but deeply honored, that the Hero Born of Woman would chose 'Major's,' as it is universally known among locals, for his traditional final meal. "Look, he's the Alpha and Omega, right? We're not going to tell the Lamb of God there's no room at the inn or anything like that," said one of the owners. "But we're still under the six-foot rule, so we fill to capacity very quickly."
Staff were understandably tight-lipped about having a guest as famous as God The Son on an otherwise uneventful Thursday night--not only nervous about attracting attention but also how COVID guidelines might spoil the visit for The Christ. One patron chimed in "Yeah, it's hard especially these days. You can't really accommodate a 13-top. Especially when they're all sitting on one side of the table."
In the end (well, almost), Jesu settled in at a four top in the back, away from the action, as if hiding his light under a bushel. Staff busily shooed away nosy diners, but Welch is convinced they meant no disrespect for the Resurrection and the Life. "People here are the salt of the earth," he insisted. "Good, good people. We have politicians, mayors past and present, basically anybody who is anybody comes to Majors. People take it in stride, even when it is the Son of the Most High."
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