I'm To Blame. I'm Still Responsible. I was unable to stop him.
Oh and I'm the B****h mother.
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There are factual errors. I just couldn't seem to get away from the mixed up memories, and well, consider it emotional memory.
My son Marshall was diagnosed at 17 as having what was then called "Oppositional Defiant Disorder". by the psychiatrist at Meridian Mental Health Center. He met almost all the criteria.
As soon as he turned 18 the diagnosis changed to "Sociopath".
Here is a link you might find useful and if any of you special people actually know him, it's like a checklist. You'll feel better, then you'll feel worse, then I can get some help getting over this giant bump in my happy road.
http://www.wordiq.com/definition/Sociopath
The DSM IV now calls it "Antisocial Personality Disorder"
SO MUCH FOR THE INTRODUCTION Here's the essay.
I am the Mother of an adult APD. I knew from the beginning that there was something wrong/different about him as an infant. No cuddling, few smiles, played mostly alone. He has a twin brother who was and is the exact opposite.
Marshall's troubles really became serious on the first day he went to school. And where consistently escalating behaviors manifested throughout every grade level.
School counselors with family sessions at first. Then the private pay psychologists for years 8 to 12.
Went to live with his biological father, who seemed to think he could apply the right sort of discipline. After 2 years, his father put him in a psychiatric hospital, when his insurance ran out, I was called by the administrator that his father refused to take him back. And I had 3 days to come pick him up or he would go into the foster care system. He was in Wisconsin and I'm in Florida. While I was on the phone, my husband (The Step-FATHER) was on his cell renting me a car and arranging cash for my bank account. Genevieve (an excellent driver by the way) and I drove straight through. We picked him up in 23 hours. This was the Wednesday before a Thanksgiving family dinner. We all missed Thanksgiving entirely.
Then there was High School. He was finally kicked out of regular high school for breaking just about every rule in the hand book. The detentions, the suspensions, he even assaulted a teacher. During all this time we were all in family counseling. He was sent to a different school in the district for "troubled youth". Then astonishingly, just after the Columbine killings he threatened the administrator that he'd be coming back with a black trench coat and as many guns as he could steal.
They kicked him out that very same day, and he was quite pleased with the result.
BTW there were lots of petty crimes and involvement with the police on a regular basis and he never got anything but a slap on the wrist from the different judges.
Then there was the "thing" with his twin. They got into what began as a sibling shouting/wrestling match. Mark stopped the argument went to his room and locked the door.
What he really needed was a Panic Room.
Marshall couldn't get at him so he battered the door frame until it tore away from the wall. He had also brought a hunting knife (which I knew nothing about). He smashed his brother against the broken door frame and waved the knife just inches from his chest. Screaming "I could kill you right now, are you afraid of me yet? Are you ready to die?"
This is when I made it from the other side of the house, they actually had their own suite and it was pretty soundproof. Without really thinking I just put a hand on each of their shoulders and said. STOP. Stop and Marshall backed away. I think he locked himself in the bathroom with the knife. But that might have been another incident
Then the 911 call and then hanging up. 911 calling back, so we made it official.
Then came the police with the K-9 Unit, 4 squad cars. Two officers took him out in cuffs. The whole time he's screaming at me "This is what you wanted, you b***h, me in handcuffs! See, I've finally made you f-ing happy"
Then Juvie Jail, then court. They were going to release him back home. And that's when I brought out the 3" thick binder with all the counseling notes, diversion programs, suspensions. Thankfully the judge ordered him placed in a drug rehabilitation setting for 6 months. He had convinced the prosecutor/judge that he was just high and that's why it happened. He wasn't high that day. He was complaining the previous day that he needed to get some money for weed.
Anyway, off he went, Mark and I felt safe for once. Of course all of us ended up in his counseling sessions. He put on a "normal" act for them that was so completely false, our eyes should be permanently rolled upward at some of the s**t he was slinging. His rational for the attempted murder of his twin? And I quote: "I don't know what all the fuss was about it was just sibling rivalry, I wasn't gonna stab him, I just wanted him to think I was going to. S**t, what's the big deal? The knife probably wouldn't have made it through his fat anyway."
And all of this before the age of 17.
At the release hearing the judge stated that Marshall could not return to the family home. THANK GOD. So he went into a halfway house. That lasted 3 days, and he went to live on the "streets"
And that's pretty much what I have paperwork for. After he turned 18, well he lived off friends and a series of girlfriends.
Wrecked 5 cars that belonged to other people, never paid his tickets (there were over 25 of them last time I checked) never did a minute of his court ordered community service.
Got arrested a few times, and ever hoping that THIS time he'd turned himself. Because I was the Mother, I took him back into our home. That lasted 4 weeks. After racking up $400 dollars in phone charges, taking off for days on end, found jobs but never stayed long enough to keep them or get paid.
Then we discovered and additional $200 that he was buying things on-line using our phone account to charge them.
He finally did get a job, and was supposed to contribute just 25% of his net to the household. That's what each kid had to contribute when they got their jobs.
He called me that payday night from a party and said he spent his money buying beer and pizza for his friends.
When he returned 3 days later (strung out and hungry), Well that's when I threw him out.
He convinced his girlfriend of ONE weeks acquaintance to take him in. Stayed with her for 4 years, she got pregnant, he wasn't working so he'd stay with the baby. Guess how long that lasted? It wasn't long after that he was "shopping" for a new girlfriend.
Got one just in time for her to receive her inheritance from her dead grandparents. That money is all gone. Everything is mortgaged to the hilt, credit cards blasted. Beyond my belief that she was that stupid.
Marshall had a very serious DUI in 2004. His BAL was .23. .08 is the legal limit in Florida. The hospital they took him to barely saved his life. The two passengers survived with "minor" injuries. He had to pay for the fire hydrant he tore out of the pipes. But guess what. It took 2 years for him to get arrested for it. His sentence? Probation. Then he violated that by driving without a license or something, got work release, which he violated (not sure what this one was). Got more Probation. Then was caught out of county driving an illegal vehicle with no license or whatever it was. So he got "Community Control" better know as house arrest.
Violated THAT 7 times before someone noticed. Then is was
the country jail while awaiting adjudication. While in the jail he became a Trustee. For about a week. Then stole some lemonade concentrate (to make booze?) just 5 days before his hearing.
The state wanted him in prison for 5 years. I would be sad, but OK with a year or two. He of course (along with his current girlfriend) thought (like always) he'd be released that day to finish out his two year house arrest probation.
The prosecution said NO WAY, his attorney said NO WAY, an intern (name withheld) in the Public Defenders office said NO Way.
After 5 continued court attendance, they "Took it to the Judge" I was subpoenaed to testify but was never called. I waited in the hallway.
His girlfriend was exultant when she banged through the courtroom doors. He would be released that evening, put back on regular (Monthly Check In) probation and get his full driving privileges back.
He had gotten away with everything. I was so stunned that I just turned away and left the building.
Now of course he is demanding that I no longer have any contact with the son he's failed to support.
So you want to know how I feel about all this?
I wish he had died in that damn accident
I wish the last 3 people that still trust and love him wake the hell up before they are no longer useful to Marshall.
I don't want to ever see, speak, text, or get an email from him. Not even a message passed by someone else. Hell,, I unfriended him from face book.
Out of my life, and the lives of the family members and very good friends, those that he has cheated, abused, stole from, manipulated and injured.
OUT OUT OUT
But I'm the Mother and it's eating me alive. I try to think of what he could ever do to change the way I feel. And I'm fresh out of fantasies. Because that's just what they would be. Foolish, agonizing, desperate, Hopeless Dreams.
I don't want to feel guilty for what he has done to the people who loved him and forgave him over and over again. Years worth of their pain. But I do. Deep down inside, where nothing anyone can say that would allow me to forgive myself.
I want to apologize to all of them. The high school girlfriend who ended up with the wasted life he led her into. The incredibly talented musician just getting close to a recording contract when Marshall became his friend. Then the friend got into trouble (I'm not sure what for) and ended up in prison for 7 years. Marshall seemed to think he was a loser for getting caught.
And to his twin who lost a year of high school honors classes because he could never come to grips (who could) that his TWIN brother tried to kill him. And years and years of low self esteem. He had been convinced that he should have been killed that day.
Today he is very happily married and in law school, somehow it seems I failed him the most.
And my husband, who tried and tried and then tried some more to intervene and to emotionally support (Marshall still calls him Dad) and of course to pay for all the years of "treatment" just trying to save him
He'd given Marshall cash to live on, lots of cash, behind my back. Even removing funds from our 401K to buy him a car. Which he totaled out in a few months.
When I called my husband after leaving the courthouse, completely distraught, and actually trembling he said""I know you're upset, but I'm happy for him". Without even blinking I pressed the end button
I still need to work that one out. So it's back to the Shrink for me.
Oh, by the way, his older sister, Genevieve is happily married with two wonderful girls. Lucky for her she was living her own wonderful life while the worst of Marshall's drama played itself out.
Even Genevieve feels a bit of guilt. She was their main babysitter and served as Deputy Mom longer than she should have. Somehow she thinks she should have been able to do SOMETHING.
If it wasn't for my two successful and happy hard working, children, then no one could ever convince me that's it is not my fault.
And yet it is. Because I was unable to stop him. My warnings went unheeded. And I'm the B***h mother.
