Dick Cheney as Blofeld? Compelling, but ultimately flawed.
The last major Cheney-in-chair analogy is to The Penguin from the Batman series, amazingly described in Wikipedia as “a short, obese man” and “a mobster-type criminal” who sees himself as a “gentleman of crime.” By the time of the 1992 film Batman Returns, however, the character takes an even darker turn from its earlier incarnation, becoming “a physically deformed, psychopathic mass murderer.” This characterization of Cheney-as-Penguin was mostly forwarded by comment-posters to various blogs, who indeed have a knack for clarity and wit. Still, I always liked the old Burgess Meredith portrayal of The Penguin and would hate for Ol’ Dick to tarnish that image.
Dick Cheney as The Penguin? Perhaps, but too real.
So here’s my personal favorite, one that hasn’t gotten a lot of buzz so far: Bob Roberts. This was Tim Robbins’s hilariously and devastatingly spot-on depiction of a right-wing, arch-conservative politician who makes his name through various forms of hypocrisy, deceit, deal-making, scandal-mongering, and outright lies. All of this becomes crystal clear in the film’s final reel, during the closing moments of a neck-and-neck election, when Roberts is confined to a wheelchair following a purported assassination attempt. Despite claims that he’s paralyzed from the waist down, film viewers are shown a chair-bound Roberts tapping his feet at an election celebration, having swept to victory on a tide of public sympathy.
Dick Cheney as Bob Roberts? Yep, you betcha!
This one fits the bill for me, and might do so for many of the clever comment posters out there wondering what Cheney had up his sleeve with all of this. A hypocritical right-winger undergoing a character assassination who plays for sympathy in the final act? Ol’ Dick is pretty smart at that, leaving an indelible image of helplessness and enfeeblement in the minds of viewers, preemptively casting a pall on attempts to lay the blame for Bush’s failures (and crimes, perhaps) at his feet. From Potter to Roberts, right out of central casting, here’s a man who connects the dots from the Nixon era up to the present in an award-worthy manner. And this time around, he actually had an exit strategy!
The only remaining question is where has he gone, since we’ve heard precious little as to his whereabouts lately. Wonkette notes that “all we need is extended raw footage of Dick Cheney being pushed around in his wheelchair, clutching his panda-fur-coated cane, and eventually being thrown into a car destined for a steep ditch in Wyoming.” Ron Reagan opined that “Cheney hurt his back while moving waterboards into his new house,” which ironically (or not) is right across the street from CIA headquarters in McLean, Virginia, presumably so that Ol’ Dick can keep his watchful eye on things while he follows through with “a few scores to settle.” More pointedly, Comedy Central’s Insider asks viewers to help Cheney “get back home … to hell,” but didn’t provide specific directions.
I guess in the end it doesn’t really matter where Cheney winds up. Hats off to you, sir, for creating an unforgettable character, for inspiring our ire and steeling our resolve, and for reminding us that even someone in a wheelchair can be an equally cynical SOB just like the rest of us. Yes folks, that was Dick Cheney, born-again ADA activist and differently-abled former dictator, heading off to an (un)disclosed location for the final time. We’ll miss all the tender moments, and we’ll pray that you recover at least as quickly as Iraq, the economy, New Orleans, the Constitution, and the rest of your wondrous legacy.
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