If you are looking for employment and would like to serve your country, please press 6.
If you are a patriotic American who believes Islam is the devil's spawn and followers of all other religions will burn in hell for eternity and you are awaiting the End Days and Armageddon to cleanse the world of sinners while you sit beside God and enjoy the Rapture, please press 6 again and leave your name and number for employment opportunities with an organization which does not officially exist after the beep.
Beep.
Thank you.
If you are a member of Skull and Bones, please press 6 6 6 and state your name in the Order and when you took your oath to destroy the Constitution and national sovereignty of the United States. If you are not a member of Skull and Bones and press 6 6 6, imposing men in black suits will shortly be pounding on your door.
If you would like to be a confidential informant for Homeland Security and report on the un-American activities of: your neighbors, co-workers, least favorite relatives, someone you owe money to, someone who owes you money but has not paid you back, or anyone who has ever embarrassed you by exposing your bigoted and intellectually inept mind and you would really like to stick it to, please hit the S button twice.
Thank you for pressing S S.
Leave your name and address and you will be visited at 12 A.M. tonight by nameless individuals in black suits, shiny boots, and brightly polished brass belt buckles that say Gott Mit Uns.
If you are calling to protest the President signing Executive Orders enabling him to bypass Congress and neuter it like a stray dog and the NDAA Detention Bill which eliminates habeas corpus and legalizes martial law in the US, punch 8 and spell your name slowly and carefully so we can compare it to our list of liberty extremists and add it if it is not already there.
Thank you for pressing 8.
If you are calling because you think the United States is now a fascist police state, press 9 1 1 and wait for a piercing shrill tone which will reprogram your paranoid thoughts into apathetic resignation so you will mechanically go to work every day, eat too much, become obese, watch too much television, never read a book, and believe everything the government tells you.
Now: stand up and recite the pledge of allegiance, sing The Star Spangled Banner at the top of your lungs, and if you are between eighteen and thirty go to the nearest recruiting station and join the armed services. If you are over thirty but have children over eighteen, take them to the nearest recruiting station to join the armed services.
Remember: a patriotic American never questions the policies of his government. Only communists, protesters, occupiers, terrorists, homosexuals, atheists, anarchists, extremists, gun-gold-food hoarders, organic farmers, and raw milk-drinking vaccination-refusing-constitution-reading radicals do that.
We are petitioning all loyal Americans to mail hairs or pieces of skin to the Pentagon in Washington D.C., so we can complete a genetic data base of the entire population of the country. This program is voluntary. However, if you do not send in a sample you will be visited by imposing men in black suits from Homeland Security wanting to know what you have to hide.
Thank you for your call.
God Bless America.
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