When kids are left to their own devices--or worse, are taught they are unloved and are made to feel unsafe--they do not develop normally. And that holds true in both the cognitive and emotional arenas.
In Siegel's article, "Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Development: Attachment Relationships, "Mindsight," and Neural Integration," Dr. Siegel writes, "Because experiences with others early in life are so important for human development, I have earlier stated that "Human connections create the neural connections from which the mind emerges.'" (Daniel J. Siegel, UCLA School of Medicine)
At a Christian Counseling Convention, Gary Sibcy, in exploring the effect of the emotional environment on development, talked about a study that was done with monkeys. Interestingly, monkeys have the gene for alcoholism though it remains dormant unless activated.
They broke a group of newborn monkeys into random groups of two. One group was raised by its proper mothers. The other was raised by a bunch of teenage monkeys. The monkeys nurtured by their mothers developed normally with no signs of alcoholism. Those raised by teenagers manifested the recessive genetic predisposition to alcoholism.
Not only are our relationships important in the moment in terms of how we make others "feel," but as the research is leading us to conclude, it is pivotal in our development on every level--mental, emotional, and genetic. What we say and do with others matters in ways we are only just beginning to appreciate.
The Verbal First Aid Relationship
According to many experts in the field of interpersonal neurobiology, there are certain types of relationships that are healing, nurturing and developmentally pivotal. They can even help a child who has been repeatedly abused and hurt to rewire those learnings so he can go on to have good relationships in his life.
In Verbal First Aid with children, there are three essential principles that are utilized to both facilitate physical healing in the moment as well as long-term wellness and proper development:
1. Recognizing The Healing Zone
2. Developing and Utilizing Rapport: Centering and the ABC's of Rapport
3. Leadership: Healing Suggestion
The Healing Zone
Verbal First Aid works because whenever there is a trauma--whether that's a bruised knee or a broken heart--we slip into what are considered altered states. In those states, which may legitimately be seen as healing zones, we are more suggestible and more sensitive to what is being said around us or to us. When we are in those "zones" we are highly focused, most often on some internal process, which changes the way we see ourselves and the world. It may not last longer than a few moments. It may last years. What we say to people when they are in the healing zone has extra impact.
Children are in these states far more than adults and, as such, can be seen as sponges, soaking up whatever we say. This is doubly true when the person speaking is an adult, particularly a parent or authority figure.
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