Article: If Jesus Had Been Packing

On Baby Jesus' officially designated day of birth, I wanted to explore the Prince of Peace's relationship to lethal weaponry.

If Jesus had had a gun, they never would have been able to nail Him to the cross.

Then again we have to ask . . . would He have refused to use it to defend Himself?

This is a gray area and things get a little confusing. Let's face it, the Prince of Peace became a real rock star as a result of the "turn the other cheek" sound bite. On the other hand, at one point Jesus threw quite a temper tantrum and tossed the moneylenders out of the Temple -- physically tossed them out, from what I gather. It was His Steven Seagal moment.

Certainly we can conclude from this, the Guy was no wuss. At the same time, we have no record of Him punching anyone in the face or dropping kicking anyone's family jewels, much less offing them with whatever instruments of slaughter were available at the time.

Yet seeing some big hairy brutes coming at you with massive hammers and nails the size of a jack handle is definitely going to push some buttons. If He had anything resembling a fight-or-flight reflex, it's not unreasonable to assume that had a handgun been available, He would have emptied a few rounds into his beefy assailants and made for the hills.

What kind of weapons would Our Savior have been packing, assuming all options were on the table? Hard to say with any certainty. But He wasn't much for mincing words or equivocating. It seems reasonable to assume He would not have made some lame choice when it came to arming Himself. I'm no expert so I'm just guessing here. But I surmise He would have had the nice and punchy Sig Sauer P228 within easy reach -- strapped to His thigh under His robes -- and had a kick-ass semi-automatic assault weapon slung over His shoulder. This would have given Him both the solace of being able to mount a quick response and the necessary firepower in case He needed to spray some serious lead around.

What kind of assault weapon would have been the Savior of Mankind's first choice? The popularity of the Bushmaster AR-15 certainly makes it the obvious frontrunner. But I personally think he would have gone with the Israeli IMI Tavor TAR-21. After all, Jesus was a Jew and there's got to be some basic loyalty at work. And practically speaking, the IMI Tavor TAR-21 is one sweet killing machine. It's compact, relatively light and great at close and medium range. Those Romans getting ready to nail the Big Guy to the cross wouldn't have stood a chance. Blam! Blam! Blam! Bye-bye, motherfuckers!

How about munitions?

Being generally disposed in His preaching to encourage His devoted flock to always show compassion, I think He would have chosen standard issue bullets and only considered using hollow-points as a last resort.

The most important thing to appreciate when thinking about Jesus Christ packing any kind of weaponry is the powerful message it sends. After all, who could possibly take seriously the word of a man who isn't willing to stand up for what he believes in? Who won't stand strong in the face of opposition. Who lets himself be bullied and threatened. Who isn't man enough to look some smart aleck punk Roman soldier in the eye and say, "Make my day!"

I'm certainly not saying Jesus would have gone around and indiscriminately brandished His weapons of choice every time He got in a fix. Being the Prince of Peace, He would have been the last to lock and load. But that's the beauty of guns. You don't have to use them to make your point or at least to let others know you're not going down without a fight.

What I am saying is that if Jesus had been packing that day they crucified Him, those Roman thugs would have had second thoughts about nailing Him up like a Raggedy Ann door prize at the county fair. He wouldn't have died for our sins and . . .

Uh-oh.

We'd all go to Hell.

Hmm . . .

That would be bad.