Mittsy, was tired. He headed down the long hallway that led from the rear of his plane where they stored the traveling journalists down to his area of the plane. He trudged down the spiral staircase that led to his bedroom grotto. His serving woman brought down his tea, and summoned his bed-chamber maid to fluff his traveling pillow and adjust his comforter.
His staff brought his travel pillow, stuffed just like his comforter, with shredded hundred dollar bills. His father always said, there's nothing that brings a man, to a fiscally sound sleep, than knowing that his cranium is couched in shredded hundred dollar bills. At home, his pillow is stuffed with shredded thousands, but that's his home pillow.
As he rested his head on the ermine trimmed pillow and pulled the snow leopard trimmed comforter up around his neck, he puzzled on how he might more effectively ingratiate himself with American Voters. Suddenly, he sat bolt upright, he got it. The solution was plain and simple as the expression on his writing servant's face, when he was arrived to take down Mittsy's merry musings.
He finished his dictation and his bedroom secretary backed out of the room to revise according to the long established rules. Mittsy rested his carefully coiffed Billion Dollar Head into his Million Dollar pillow and as the sweet scents of dreamland surrounded him... he dreamt of THE SOLUTION.
Next morning he called his private publicity staff and had them engage DODGERS STADIUM. And place an announcement in the Wall Street Journal, the people's paper. It trumpeted Mittsy's outreach campaign.
LET THEM EAT CAKE - the biggest Pie-Eating Contest Ever. Once it played in the Wall Street journal all the stenographers in BIG Media, replayed the announcement word for world on TEEVEE, in Newspapers, double-cross the land, and even NPR reported it but inadvertently attributed it to the BBC.
He invited as contestants the most savvy media voices ever known to modern times. He had his staff ring up, George Stephanopolis, Barbara Walters, Connie Chung, Chris Matthews, Bill OReilly, Davis Gregory and Steve Inskeep. Team Limbaugh was ruled ineligible, for obvious reasons. They would each pick a team of six to lead for the BIG GAME. Since Romney is no object, I mean Money, Karl Rove and the Koch Brothers agreed to pick up the live TEEVEE tab, and the event quickly became known as the McDonalds/Monsanto/Haliburton PIE EATING Festival. Rupert Murdoch promised the winner 10 Million big ones, and a life time contract as an anchor on any of his flat ship enterprises. One of Mittsy's team of accountants told him one week out that on ads alone, not counting concessions, they could easily clear 7 to 10 million and actually make a profit on the event. Finally was Mittsy's only reply.
Mittsy had seven giant cakes made, each one was One Yard Wide and One Hundred yards long. Each triple layer cake stretched from one end of the field to the other. Pitchers of chilled milk and one glass were setup on a flimsy table every fifteen yards, and that would be the only respite from the massive man-killing triple layer 100 yard cake before them. Each team was to eat the pan clean from end zone to end zone and the eating could not stop. If a team stopped eating for more than two minutes they would forfeit the game and their team would be disqualified.
Karl Rove suggested an added touch that everyone on TEAM MITTSY agreed to and approved. There would be only one porto-let available to all competitors, it would sit on the fifty yard line and the locking mechanism was broken in advance. Karl suggested it would add " drama.
Finally the fateful day arrived. Ann Romney was carried across the field by her "Special Event" litter bearers and the virgins strewing pink slips in advance of her passage couldn't have been cuter, if they were all culled from a closed milltown in Ohio, which in fact, they were. Descending from high atop her litter, in her private elevator, she descended to take her place in the end zone. Where as the cameras crowded close - she ceremonially broke a jar of white-lighting on the goalpost to start the Pie Eating Contest.
Mittsy pranced nervously in the skybox at times sometimes catching bits of the television coverage from his TEEVEE Chair. It had been flown in just that day from one of his Castles in Lichtenstein, but otherwise he was occupied consulting with his media team who spent most of their time chortling in their champagne. They enjoyed watching America's Media Mavens get smeared in cake and icing for the enjoyment of American Voters.
Team NPR gave up first, they stopped to do a fundraiser and were disqualified. NBC gave up at the thirty yard line, Disney's ABC team had to carry tiny George Stephanopolis off the field as he tried valiantly to shovel another handful or two of cake into his chocolate covered face. Only FOX, CNN and CBS crossed the fifty. Twice the PORT-OLET had to be righted and the occupant, smeared and spattered choking and gagging returned to the dubious double chocolate duty of America's Biggest and Mittsiest PIE-EATING Contest.
CBS dropped out at the thirty and only FOX and CNN approached the final twenty yards of CAKE. It was at the ten yard line that the Judges determined with certainty that the FOX TEAM had been cheating all along. And as they were led away in shackles, (Karl insisted on shackles) team CNN within a mere arms length of victory, keeled over one by one. Leaving no one to eat the last yard of cake. Weeks later it was determined that FOX NEWS had been sprinkling poison on their competitors cakes as they struggled down the home stretch. However Rupert's Robbers has tapped the prosecutors cell phones enabling the whole FOX-TEAM to escape to Lichtenstein where, nobody knows muffin.
And finally since Mittsy fed America's Sports Fetish they all lived happily ever after.
