The following letter to the editor culled from the pages of yesterday's edition of the "Gainesville Courier" caught my eye, and I thought it should be shared with your readers:
Dear editors:
First of all, I am writing to express my sincere gratitude to the Florida State Board of Education (not to mention our gloriously unwoken governor) for finally bringing some much needed balance to the social studies curriculum of our secondary schools. Their brave decision to include in that curriculum the idea that many slaves benefitted from learning valuable skills is a huge step forward for all right-thinking, patriotic Americans who simply want nothing more than to protect the tender minds of their children from dangerous and divisive controversies. I wholeheartedly endorse this laudable goal, but I can't help but think that such a limited inclusion of the benefits of slavery is woefully inadequate, which is why I have compiled a more extensive list of the myriad benefits bestowed on slaves for their cultural advancement and general well-being. These fall into seven broad categories, enumerated as follows:
1. EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES: Slavery was, for all intents and purposes, the most successful full-employment program ever devised by the mind of man. By contrast to this perfect record of 0% unemployment among black slaves, white workers were often plagued by jobless rates that frequently spiked as high as 1.5%. Moreover, this virtual guarantee of secure, lifelong employment was just the beginning. As early as the 17th century, slaves were routinely given Sundays off, while most white workers had to wait until the 19th century to receive this benefit. Enslaved persons often filled this day of rest with such recreational activities as gardening, catfishing, patching work clothes, as well as recovering from near fatal exhaustion. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, slaves benefitted from an early retirement plan. In fact, many slaves were allowed to retire at the age of 22 (after a mere 21 years of employment). All that was required of these fortunate retirees was to conclusively demonstrate to the satisfaction of their employers that his or her heart had ceased to adequately pump sufficient blood to sustain animation of his or her extremities and/or brain. This was of significant value to such persons, as it afforded them the comfort and luxury of laying down their earthly burdens and being welcomed into the bosom of the Lord at a relatively early age, whereas their white employers were consigned to waiting until the age of 50 or 60 to reap the same heavenly reward.
2. A HEALTHY DIET: African slaves also benefitted from a diet rich in iron and other minerals essential for a healthy life. This included such staples as beet greens, turnip greens, sweet potato peelings, chitlins, and pickled watermelon rinds, whereas their unfortunate employers were forced to subsist on such wretched byproducts as beets, turnips, sweet potatoes, ham, and watermelon hearts. Slaves also supplemented their diet with a plethora of high-protein food sources, notably, crickets, grasshoppers, dung beetles, and grub worms, as well as such delicacies as rats baked in banana leaves. In addition, I would be remiss if I failed to point out the relatively low levels of lactose intolerance among the black slave population. This was perhaps largely due to their involuntary abstinence from dairy products (other than the nocturnal purloining of the odd cup of pig's milk).
3. RENT-FREE HOUSING: While white slave owners were routinely saddled with the high cost of multi-story home construction and the exorbitant expenses associated with furnishing a large number of rooms, black slaves were never burdened with such headaches. They were provided with free room and board for life (see item #2 above for the average slave's store of culinary delights). Slave quarters were cozy, well ventilated, and inexpensively furnished with comfortable straw mattresses and repurposed flotsam-wood chairs.
4. FREE DATING SERVICES: As any young person in America knows all too well, dating can be a frustrating, messy, and rather haphazard affair. Dating apps such as "Tinder" and "Flirtini" have somewhat streamlined the process, but the sad fact is that many of these relationship-seeking men and women too often fail to meet the "right" people. By contrast, chattel slavery offered a relatively stress-free alternative to such painful and disappointing outcomes. Slaves were free to meet and mingle with a wide variety of potential workmates. In fact, he only real difference between "Tinder" and slave-dating was that slaves were not allowed to "swipe left."
5. RELIEF FROM THE RESPONSIBILTIES OF CHILD REARING: Every parent can testify to the unrelenting stress and expense of raising children. Fortunately, female slaves were often spared this source of aggravation, as their children were frequently relocated to separate lodgings in nearby (sometimes not so nearby) plantations where they came under the benevolent care of considerably more well-heeled custodians (e.g., neighboring plantation owning families).
6. FREE TATTOOS: As opposed to today's use of time-consuming, intricate and expensive tattoo machines, slaves often opted for a quicker, simpler, and more permanent alternative - being scalded by a red-hot branding iron. Of course, the style choices were far more limited in those days, largely confined to the popular "S" on the palm of the hand, and the "F'" on the cheek or forehead. But let's remember, they were without cost to the recipient, and were paid for out of the employer's own pocket.
7. COST-FREE, LIFETIME GYM MEMBERSHIP: Throughout their natural lives, slaves had at their disposal the early-American equivalent of the modern body-building, strength training, and aerobic exercise facility, utilizing the then state-of-the-art workout equipment, such as shovels, scythes, hoes, and bales of cotton for weight lifting and all-around bodily health,
Given these enormous advantages in the life of a slave, I find it personally baffling (and, frankly, galling) to hear their legions of descendants loudly complaining about the cultural "disadvantages" they encounter in their daily lives. Why not show a little gratitude for all the advantages bestowed on them by the blessings of involuntary servitude?
Yours truly, Lady Bianca Lemaster
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