I told a political journalist friend of mine that I was compiling the follies and absurdities of the presidential candidates for an eBook, 2016 Presidential Campaign Bites.
"If I see any of those things, I'll let you know," my friend said in a dismissive tone, adding, "I'm interested in the serious things the candidates have to say."
"If I see anything serious," I said, "I'll let you know."
So far, I haven't see anything serious.
When a presidential campaign becomes a farce, traditional reporting fails us. Where can you find what you need to know about the different presidential candidates?
Right here.
Laboratory tests have confirmed that his voice causes impotency in rats.
Mike Huckabee, Republican
Does not accept evolution as a science. This is not surprising for someone who has spent so many years in GOP politics.
Hillary Clinton, Democrat
She got the shock of her life by coming home in the middle of the day and found her husband Bill in bed - by himself.
Lincoln Chaffee, Democrat
Began his political career as a Republican. He then transitioned to an independent and then announced his candidacy for president as a Democrat, making him the political equivalent of Kaitlyn Jenner.
Lindsey Graham, Republican
Owes his physical strength to the summers he spent caddying on a miniature golf course.
Bobby Jindal, Republican
Still orders from the kids' menu.
Carly Fiorina, Republican
She cut 30,000 jobs from Hewlett-Packard. Just think how many jobs she can cut as president of the United States.
Ben Carson, Republican
Thinks that God has a Ben Carson complex.
Ted Cruz, Republican
While serving as solicitor general in Texas, he prosecuted a woman for giving birth to a naked baby.
Bernie Sanders, Democrat
Was once a roadie for the punk band the Sex Pistols.
Marco Rubio, Republican
Is pro-life. We know this because he supports torture, the death penalty, and voted against reauthorizing the Violence against Women Act.
Lindsey Graham, Republican
Is a cracker.
Rand Paul, Republican
Denies the existence of global warming. He also denies the existence of gravity, photosynthesis, and the Archimedes Principle. He does, however, believe that professional wrestling is real and that cootie spray can be used to stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.
Bobby Jindal, Republican
True story. His real first name is Piyush. He was given the nickname "Bobby" from one of the characters on his favorite television program, The Brady Bunch. Good thing his favorite show wasn't Beevis and Butthead.
Rick Santorum, Republican
Has not been naked since birth.
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