Diary: The Magic Pendulum Theory

A friend of mine, a well informed, middle-of-the-road, business-friendly Democrat, gives no credence to my endless worries and warnings about permanent damage to our democratic institutions. "American politics are always played between the 40-yard-lines," he likes to say. Meaning: "Relax! It'll all swing back the other way."

In a recent email, I remarked, semi-seriously, that I might not still be living in America next year, depending on what happens in the next 10 months. He asked: "What do you think might happen that would make you have to leave? You haven't bought in with the conspiracy theorists, have you?"

My reply:

G --

Which conspiracy theory are you referring to? I am selective in my credulity. And I wear aluminum foil, not tinfoil, while beaming information in from the Internets. Tinfoil turns out to be a very poor receptor for magnetrons.

Here are the conspiracy theories that come to mind, accompanied by my position on each.

Bigfoot: Of course I believe, don't you? What I reject is the silly assertion that Bigfoot and Yeti are one and the same. This is just Ph.D. dissertation fodder for liberal elites. Bigfoot is as American as apple pie. The Yeti is a figment of the Dalai Lama's imagination.

Space aliens and moonwalks: The former are real; the latter were fake. Whatever the government tells you, believe the exact opposite.

The Tooth Fairy: A tool of the Federal Reserve and the Plunge Protection Team to inflate the money supply and devalue the dollar. This plays right into the hands of the Illuminati. A tooth was worth a quarter when I was a kid; now it brings $5 -- or more, in some neighborhoods. Doesn't that tell you all you need to know?

Barack Obama is a Muslim Manchurian candidate: I have it on Hillary's authority that Barack is a devout Christian, "as far as I know." That's good enough for me.

The Skull and Bones / Carlyle Group / Bohemian Grove connection: what a joke.

The $385 million Halliburton contract to build domestic detention centers: this disappeared from the mainstream press almost immediately, so it must be true.

Revocation of the Posse Comitatus Act, which used to prohibit use of the military for domestic surveillance and other police functions: I read it in the New York Times. Enough said.

Repudiation of habeas corpus, the 1st and 4th amendments, and the Geneva Conventions: it's about time we had a unitary president with cojones -- or "Thatchers," to use Colbert's term.

The Magic Bullet Theory: this was Arlen Specter's idea, which speaks volumes. The mafia did it.

The Magic Pendulum Theory: some people believe that imbalances in our system of government automatically correct themselves through the intervention of a "magic pendulum" that keeps American politics forever oscillating "between the 40 yard lines." This is the wackiest folklore of all. The goalposts have shifted so far that the 50-yard line looks like first-and-goal from the three. Once it reaches the end zone, it's game over, and the familiar sports cliche "there's always next year" becomes a distant memory.

You can find a slide show of unexplained phenomena here (http://www.livescience.com/strangenews/top10_unexplained_phenomena.html). If there are others you'd like me to help you with, let me know. As always, my opinions are free.

-- J