b) Believability
c) Calm Compassion
Authority can't be understated, especially in our society where a great many parents are so worried about being friends and equals with their children. Besides all the sociological and psychologically aspects of that switch in status, in crisis a child desperately needs an authority. As a matter of fact, so do adults. The research on disasters has shown that even people with professional training (but not enough practice) stand around glassy-eyed in a critical incident until someone with self-assurance and authority tells them specifically what to do.
Children need this authority and guidance even more because they have less critical experience in the world. It is not just a matter of "freezing" out of fright or pain or confusion for them. Children, because they are children, really don't know what to do. There's so much they've simply never seen before. Perhaps more importantly, they don't know what they are yet capable of.
Since rapport is a relationship of trust, believability figures quite prominently. If you lie to a child who is hurt or frightened, you have lost a significant amount of trust.
Believability is so important that an unhealthy, pie-eyed optimism has been given a name: The Stockdale Paradox. Admiral James Stockdale was the highest-ranking prisoner of war in Vietnam. When he was asked which prisoners tended to perish in captivity, he said, "Oh, that's easy. The optimists."
He explained: "You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end--which you can never afford to lose--with discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality-- He was referring, obviously, to adults. But the same is true for children. Denial is not helpful. Hope is. Denial ignores the obvious. Hope takes reality and imbues it with realistic possibility.
The simplest solution: Keep your statements simple and believable. If things are clearly not all right, avoid empty reassurances. Instead say, "I see what happened. I'm right here and I've seen this many times before and each time it's turned out okay. Won't it surprise everyone by how quickly you heal when you pick out your own magic Band-Aid?"
A calm, compassionate voice is the container or conveyer for both the authority and the trustworthiness. It is what communicates "I'm in control. Follow me. Here's the way out." You can't be trusted and won't be followed if you're as panicked (or more so) than they are. Your inner peace, however you arrive at it (breathing, prayer), is vitally important. So, before you say anything, take a moment, get yourself centered, then deal with your child.
Stress = Suggestibility
This is an observable, scientific fact of life. The more stressed, the more dissociative we become. The more dissociative, the more focused on an internal process we are. This is true for all of us. It is human nature. Therefore, what is said to us when we are in crisis (large or small), is absorbed more readily, which is why it is so important to take care with our words.
In the Verbal First Aidà "ž video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWQiNcF1I6s), there are two demonstrations: one is what not to say and one is what you can say instead. It is instinctive for people to react when something bad has happened: "OH NO! Oh, NO! Don't die on me, damn it!"
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