That was the thing a judge said when I did go to court, when I did listen to my sister and my mom and go to authorities.
It was a huge, huge, huge important thing. Because, you see, I hadn't known. My rapist hadn't known. We were equally surprised to learn it. I had felt certain that my promises of sexual interest the weeks before gave me next to no rights that day he showed up with a friend. I believed my tears and quiet pleas of, "no, I changed my mind," were, as my rapist said, unfair and invalid.
I had heard, of course, that no means no. I had heard it before that day. But I hadn't believed it. I hadn't seen it proved true in the world. So, I hadn't really believed it. Not until that judge said it with such clarity from his important place in that room.
I listen, we all listen, to authority and power in a different way than we listen outside of it.
When authority and power takes advantage, sexually and otherwise, we hear it different. We believe it different.We expect different things from ourselves and the people around us.
By that same token, though, when authority and power chooses to teach, example, and insist on equality, on kindness, on speaking up, we hear it different. We believe it different. We expect different things from ourselves and the people around us.
I would like to say that when I left that courtroom I never blamed myself again. I'd like even more to say that I never again had reason to wonder who's fault harassment and sexual abuse was. I can't say that.
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